Release It

Today we are going to finish our series on starting over and as we do let me just remind you where we have been.  The first week we learned that if we are going to start over and do things different and better than last time we have to let go off three myths.
1. Experience makes us wiser.  No, experience makes us older it doesn’t always make us wiser.  It is evaluated experience that makes us wiser.
2. Since I know better I will do better.  No, just because we know right from wrong doesn’t mean we always do what is right.  We need to learn new behaviors so we can do better.
3. Time is our enemy.  This often leads us to make quick and irrational or unfaithful decisions.  We need to see that time is our friend.  Time allows us to evaluate our past experiences and learn new behaviors.

We then learned that we need to own it.  We need to own our part of past failures and not just play the blame game.  If we keep blaming other people for our failures we never learn what we need to do differently and how to do things differently.  We need to own our piece of the past so we can make peace with it and start over.

Last week we learned that we also have to rethink it.  We literally need to ask ourselves, what was I thinking when I made the choices I did?  This is important so we can think in new ways which will lead us to new attitudes, priorities and actions. 

Today we are going to talk about our need to release it.  So let’s go back to the idea that we need to own our piece of the past. 

We need to rethink what we have owned, our piece of the pie, but we also need to release what was done to us or else we will carry all of that forward with us.  This bigger part of this circle of blame is all the things that have been done to us that caused our problems.  This is filled with people who have said and done things that have hurt us.  It is filled with people who have let us down, disappointed and even betrayed us.  This may even be filled with those who have abused us in some way, taken advantage of us and crippled us emotionally, spiritually, financially and relationally.  There is real pain and hurt in this part of our live and every time we start over this stuff goes with us unless we learn how to release it.  Unless we learn how to forgive. 

Several years ago I did a sermon series on forgiveness and we used the analogy of a backpack and all the hurt and pain of the past is like these rocks tossed into our pack.  Everywhere we go – this goes with us until we learn how to release it.  So every time we are hurt, every time we experience some failure and need to start over we are trying to do it weighed down with the burden of our past.  Because we are so burdened when we try again, chances are we will fail, which means another burden is added to the pack, which increases our chance at failure moving forward.  The only way to start over making sure that next time is better than last time is to learn how to release the pain and hurt so we aren’t carrying the problems and the people with us into the future. 

Andy Stanley has said that he often asks people who are struggling to start over because of their past this question: How far into the future are you going to carry your angst? (anger, fear, doubt…)  He will ask these people how long they plan to carry those who have hurt them into their future and why do you want to take them with you?  How long will you allow those who have disappointed you in the past to control your future?  As long as we are not willing to release these situations and forgive - then we are carrying them into our future. 

It is important to us to learn from the past.  It is important to evaluate and ask tough question and rethink situations but if we will not forgive then our past will define us.  Those who are able to start over well have learned how to allow their past to remind them but not define them.  We learn from the past but we aren’t limited by it.  But releasing our past doesn’t just happen.  It is a choice we make.  We have to reach into the pack, reach into the past, reach into that circle of blame and take hold of someone or something and actually release it.  Let it go. 

Forgiveness is a choice not a feeling.  Forgiveness is a decision on our part to let go of an offense so we can fully and freely move forward.  When asked how often we should forgive others, Jesus said, not 7 times and not 70 times but 70 x 70 times.  With this answer Jesus was not saying we only need to forgive people 4,900 times but that we need to forgive people all the time.  We always need to release our anger in some way so that we don’t carry it into the future where it will continue to define us, cripple us and make us have to start over again.  So let’s talk a little about forgiveness. 

Ephesians 4:26a.  In your anger do not sin.  What is interesting about this verse is that it is actually two imperatives or commands.  Another way to translate this might be to say: Be Angry.  Don’t Sin.  This tells us it is not a sin to be angry.  There is an appropriate place for our anger but when we choose to hold on to that anger we sin.  The rest of that verse tells us that we need to release it.

Ephesians 4:26b and do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.  There are many couples who take this passage literally and do not allow the sun to set without resolving their anger.  In fact, some bibles translate this passage, don’t go to bed angry.  That might be good advice for some couples and for some problems, but let’s be clear, some problems, hurts and pain can’t be resolved in 24 hours.  So let’s not look at this verse in terms of a 24 hour period but as just a period of time.  At some point in time we have to release the pain.  At some point in time we need to forgive and move forward and that forgiveness is a choice we make. 

So why is it important to release the pain and forgive people?  Well, let’s keep reading in Ephesians 4:27. Do not give the devil a foothold.  When we aren’t willing to forgive we are creating a staging ground in our heart and life for more bitterness, resentment and angry to surface which will destroy our future and any attempt we make to start over.  If we aren’t willing to own our mistakes in past relationships and forgive those who have hurt us then we take all those problems and people into all future relationships. 

The word devil in this verse can also be translated as liar, slandered or deceiver.  Many times the people in our past circle of blame are those who have lied to us and deceived us.  So maybe we need to look at this verse this way – Do not give ____________ a foothold.  Now fill in that blank with anyone who has hurt you.  A parent, a spouse, a teacher, a coworker or boss.  Will we continue to give these people a place in our lives where they can continue to undermine our faith and self-esteem?  Will we allow them to continue to define who we are and how we live and destroy all attempts to start over?  Or will we release it and move on? 

Let’s look down at Ephesians 4:31-32, Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave you.  So this is now our responsibility and work.  We have to get rid of our anger.  We have to forgive but maybe a better word to use would be pardon.  When we pardon someone we are not always saying that they are innocent – we often are saying they are guilty but we aren’t going to hold it against them.  A pardon allows us to acknowledge that what they have done to us is wrong but then release it so we can be set free and move forward. 

There are times when what we need to release is the burden of our own past failures and bad decisions.  At times just rethinking our past is not enough and we need to actually pardon ourselves and not allow our past to shape our future.  It is important for us to learn to forgive ourselves because we deserve it.   And I know we deserve it because God made the choice to forgive us.  Each and every one of us deserves a better future because God loves us so much that he made the decision to pardon us and give us a better future. 

In Christ God forgave you.  God has pardoned us.  We are guilty of sin but God was willing to release that so we can start over.  God pardons and forgives because God wants us to experience a better future.  God loves us and wants for us a healthier and happier future but to get there we have to forgive ourselves and others. 

So let me end with two practical tips about forgiving others.  The first is this:  Go First.  Too often we wait and tell ourselves that we will forgive once the other person admits that they are wrong.  Here’s the problem with waiting.   Many times that person won’t ever come to us so we can be waiting a lifetime and lose out on years of health and happiness.  And even if they do come to us and ask for forgiveness we often don’t think they are being genuine or complete and so it may never really be enough for us.  So we need to go first so we can go on.

Second, we need to Make a List. We need to make a list of all we are letting go of.  What do these people owe us?  What have they taken from us?  How have they hurt us?  We don’t make the list to feed our anger, we make the list so we know exactly what it is we are releasing.  If we write down everything that fills in that circle of blame, my guess is that there will be more than we ever thought – which is good because they are able to then let more things go and the more we let go the more we freely we will be able to move forward. 

So starting over well means we have to:
Own It. 
Rethink It. 
Release It. 

We can’t skip any of these steps and do things better the next time.  We have to own our part of the problem so we know how to forgive ourselves and make different decisions.  We have to rethink our priorities and attitudes and assumptions about life.  We need to release the pain and hurt of the past so we don’t keep carrying that burned in to the future.  Every day we are given a chance to start over because God loves us and when God looks at us God says – you deserve a better future and a healthier life filled with faith and purpose and love so go and start over. 



Next Steps
Release It

1.Read Ephesians 4:26-27 and 31-32.
• Do you resolve your anger quickly or have trouble letting it go? 
• How does your hurt and anger effect:
o Relationships? 
o Health? 
o Future decisions in all areas of life? 
o Overall quality of your life?


2. Who is one person you need to forgive - not for their benefit but for your benefit? 
• Write down all the ways this person has hurt you so you know exactly what it is you need to forgive.
• What can you do this week to take a step toward forgiveness?


3. What difference do you see between forgiveness and a pardon?  Might pardoning someone who has hurt you help you release the pain of the past? 


4. One reason we are to forgive is because God has forgiven us. 
• Spend some time listing all the ways God has forgiven you. 
• Give thanks for God’s forgiveness which helps us start over. 
• How does this list motivate you to help forgive others? 

Rethink It

This past week my sister and brother in law celebrated their 36th wedding anniversary.  When I realized it had been 36 years I thought, wow, I was just 18 when they got married.  Next month I’ll be 55.  Where did the time go?  Do you ever look back on pictures from when you were a child or teenager or a new parent and laugh at what you were wearing or what you were doing?  Do you ever look at a picture and say to yourself, What was I thinking?  We often laugh at style changes and wonder why on earth we ever thought the mullet haircut looked good or parachute pants but looking back on problems and disasters where we have had to start over can be painful, but we still need to ask ourselves that question: What was I thinking?   

I’ve asked this question a few times in my life.  What was I thinking when I moved to California three different times to start over in life?  What was I thinking when I quit my job without having anything else lined up?  Maybe you’ve asked the same question looking back on relationships, jobs or other major life decisions.  Most of the time the reality is that we don’t know what we were thinking or we weren’t thinking clearly.  As we move on in our series on starting over we need to not only own our part of past mistakes but we need to take the time to reflect on what we were thinking so we can then - Rethink It.  While we can’t go back and rethink a situation and have it turn out differently, we can think about why we made that decision and then rethink it so that this time can be better than last time.

Andy Stanley has said, if we think the way we used to think then we will do the things we used to do.  If we never change our thinking then we will never make different and better decisions, so to make sure that starting over this time is better than last time we need to stop and rethink what it is we believe about ourselves and others.  We need to rethink what is important to us and how to set right priorities so we can make healthy and godly decisions. 

The Apostle Paul knew about starting over.  He began his life as a man named Saul who was a very well educated Jewish leader.  Saul knew the law of the OT backwards and forward and he worked hard to make sure that God’s people followed the law.  When the news of Jesus’ death and resurrection started to spread, Saul was one of the people put in charge of stopping the movement and this meant stopping the people who were involved in the movement, even if it meant having them put to death.  Saul was the one who often carried the orders to have the followers of Jesus executed and when Stephen was stoned for his faith in Jesus, Saul was the one standing there giving his approval and holding the coats of the men who stoned him. 

Saul then had a divine encounter with the risen Jesus who gave him a chance to start over.  Saul accepted Jesus as the Messiah and went from stoning Christians to making them.  Saul went from trying to silence the gospel of Jesus Christ to being one of its most eloquent and powerful preachers and teachers.  Saul started over and he not only changed his name to Paul but he completely changed his way of thinking.  In his letter to the Romans, Paul talks about starting over.  Romans 12:1. Therefore, I urge you,  brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God – this is your true and proper worship.  

Whenever we start over we need to offer ourselves to God fully and completely.  As we heard last week, the first step means owning our failures and mistakes and the reason Paul says we can do this is because of God’s mercy.  We don’t have to hide our sin because God is merciful and will forgive us when are honest.  So we can own our mistakes and confess them to God which allows us to move on and start over. 

Being a living sacrifices means that every thought and action of every day needs to be offered to God.  Everything we do should be pleasing and acceptable to God which is obviously difficult, but Paul doesn’t just tell us to do this, he goes on and tells us how and this is what we need to do to start over. 

Romans 12:2a.  Do not conform to the pattern of this world…
Paul is saying that we can’t live like everyone else which means we can’t think like everyone else.  We can’t just accept what the world says and believe the conventional wisdom of the day.  Standing firm in our faith means being willing to be different from the world around us and think differently as well, but this is not easy.  The message of the world comes at us from all sides.  Music, entertainment, sports, social media, news and advertising are constantly trying to shape our thinking and if we aren’t intentional and thoughtful – we will simply conform to the pattern and thinking of the world and do what we have always done.  So Paul gives us the answer.

Romans 12b.   be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  We are transformed – we are able to start over and do it better and right the next time when our minds are renewed.  The word renew here means restored.  Have you ever restored something old?  Whether it is a piece of furniture or a car, the process begins by taking off the old layers before you can put on anything new. 

When I was in high school, I bought a 100 year old mirror that was in an old beaten up frame.  Since my Dad restored a lot of old furniture, I thought I would restore it and then sell it.  So I started taking off all the old finish.  If you have ever restored something then you know you have to take off ALL the old material before you can put on anything new.  If you don’t take of all of the old, then when you put on the new finish, it will eventual peel off and you will have to start over.  What I realized working on that mirror is that the process of taking off the old is long and hard.  There were so many tiny little crevices in the wood that I had to scrape out and apply more and more coats of paint remover.   

Learning to rethink things can also be a long and painful process.  It can take months of reflection for us to answer the question, what was I thinking?  It can take months of reflection to dig deep into the crevices of our mind and heart to figure out why we did what we did and why we still do what we do.  Learning to see ourselves and others differently so we don’t make the same mistakes again takes time.  It takes time to evaluate our thoughts, attitudes, behaviors and actions so that we can do better the next time and just like when we restore a car or furniture, we can’t rush this process.  If we do it’s like putting the new finish on top of the old, in time it will bubble up and peel away and we will have to start over again.  So we need to take time to rethink.

Many people tell those who have lost a spouse to not make any major decisions in that first year.  Time is needed to grieve and heal and then think about how to start over.  I often see people come out of bad relationships or even a marriage and then jump right into another relationship without taking the time to think about what just happened.   Many of these new relationships have the same issues as the old ones because it is the same person in it.  They didn’t take the time to rethink who they are and what they want in life.  It takes time to rethink our lives and it is only in rethinking that we are going to be able to act in new ways. 

The renewal of our minds, or learning to rethink it, is what helps us move in new and better directions because it is through this process that we actually begin to see who we are and who God is and what God wants for us.  Listen to the rest of Romans 12:2, then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.  It is only after our minds have been renewed that we are able to see God’s will for our lives and make decisions that are in line with God’s will.  So we need to rethink it so we can make better and faithful decisions. 

So how do we renew our minds?  How do we actually begin to rethink it?  This may sound strange but we begin to think differently by doing things differently.  New actions lead us to new ways of thinking and then those new ways of thinking leads us to new actions. 

So the renewal of our minds takes place when we begin to do things differently.  Renewal of our minds takes place when we put ourselves in places where we can hear God’s truth, purpose and plan for us and others.  Renewal and transformation begins when we gather for worship and get involved in small groups and do devotional readings and pray.  Each of these activities helps renew our minds because it puts us in places where we are confronted by new ways of thinking which shapes our thoughts and attitudes which can then change our actions. 

The same is true when we start serving others.  Serving other people changes our thinking because it gives us a better perspective on our own lives.  It helps shape healthier attitudes and set better priorities and we gain a Godly vision for our own lives and the world in which we live.  Serving others can lead to deeper gratitude and lift us out of depression which in turn helps us make healthier and more faithful decisions.  So part of renewing our minds and rethinking it comes when we take steps to live our lives and our faith differently.

One opportunity we all have to rethink it, to restore and renew our minds and be transformed is to volunteer and serve in some new way.  We have included in the bulletin a list of many different ways you can serve God here at Faith Church.  These are areas where we have a need and it might be that you not only have the gifts we need but that this new time of serving will help you rethink your life and see what God’s will for you really is.  This is one way we can act differently so we can think differently – which is important because when we start thinking differently we will start over well. 

When we begin to rethink it, we are challenged in ways that are uncomfortable to us and so we fall back to unhealthy ways of thinking.  Let me close by sharing 4 ways of thinking that need to change if we are going to start over well.   The first one is this - but my situation is unique.  When people try to give us input or advice about how to do things differently or better and our immediate response is to say, but my situation is unique, we are often just pushing out a difficult truth.  Our situations are not the unique.  I am often struck by how many people’s problems are very similar to others and how often we could learn from one another if we would be willing to listen and learn from others.  We are all unique but our situations are not and we can learn from one another when we need to start over.

Another way of thinking we need to change is feeling like If I only had ______________ I would be satisfied.  And you can fill in the blank.  If I only had a girlfriend, spouse, children, different job, more money, new car…  If we start over and only look for satisfaction in things or people – we will always come up empty.  Satisfaction is found when we have a stronger relationship with God and allow God to define who we are.  So we need to stop looking to fill in this blank and instead allow our hearts to be filled with God so that we can be satisfied. 


The third assumption we need to rethink is this, I know it’s not right, but…  If it’s not right it will never turn out right.  Whenever we engage in behavior that we know is wrong, it will never make our situation better.  It might work for a while, but it will always break down in the end.  If we start over doing something we know is not right – we will eventually have to start over again.

And the last thought that needs to change in our way of thinking today is this, Sex will solve the problem.  Sex is a wonderful gift God has given, but it does not solve problems in a relationship.  If problems are there before – they will be there afterwards.  If anything, sex will complicate the situation and often make things more difficult but we live in a society where we are told that sex is the answer to everything.  It is not and we need to rethink this idea if we want healthier relationships and more fulfilled lives. 

If we are going to break the cycle of repeated mistakes we first need to own it, we need to own our piece of the problem and then we need to rethink it.  We need to think differently and renew our minds so that this time can be better and healthier and more fulfilled than last time.    


Next Steps
Rethink it

1.  Where in your life do you look back and ask yourself, What was I thinking?  Take time to reflect on these questions:
• What was I thinking? 
• Why did I make the decisions I did? 
• What have I learned from this situation? 

2.  Read Romans 12:1-2
What does it mean to be a living sacrifice?
In what ways do you need to stop conforming to the patterns of this world?

3.  What old ways of thinking about yourself, your life and others do you need to let go of so you can think in new ways?

4.  Where do you need to give yourself more time before you start over? 

5.  What does Philippians 4:8-9 tell us we should be thinking about and doing? 

6.  Thinking differently often comes after we start acting differently.  In what ways can you act differently in your life of faith? 
• Attend worship each week
• Read and reflect on Scripture every day
• Pray three times a day
• Join a small group or class
• Volunteer and serve in some new way (on the back is a list of current volunteer needs at Faith Church)

Own It

This month we are talking about starting over and how to make sure that this time we can do better than last time.  We seem to learn from our mistakes in areas of life that don’t really matter like texting, games and hobbies, but we repeat our mistakes in the areas that matter the most, like our finances, jobs, health and relationships.  Last week we learned that to start over and do things differently and better in any area of life we need we need to reject three myths we hold to but that don’t help us.

The first myth is that experience makes us wiser.  Experience does not make us wiser, it makes us older.  It is evaluated experience that makes us wiser.  The second myth we need to reject is that since I know better - I will do better.  Just knowing right from wrong doesn’t mean we have the discipline or desire to do what is right.  We need to learn how to do things differently so we can do better.  And the third myth we need to reject is thinking that time is against us.  We often hear ourselves say, I’m not getting any younger, which leads us to act quickly and often unfaithfully or it causes us to do the same thing over and over again so we need to see that time is our friend and take the time to pause so we can evaluate and plan and listen. 

Today we are going to look at the first of three steps that will help us start over well.  To make sure we don’t keep repeating our mistakes we first need to own our mistakes, our failures and our bad history.  We need to own it but owning our problems is not as easy and comfortable as blaming someone else for them.  It is easier to blame our relationship issues on the dysfunction of others.  It is easier to say that our boss or teacher has it out for us which is why we didn’t succeed or get a good grade.  It is easier to blame the credit card companies for outrageous interest rates as the reason we are in so much debt instead of our own spending.  It is easier to blame others and there is a reason why this is true – we are natural born blamers.  Blaming others for our problems is simply part of the human race. 

If we go back to the first two people we read about in the Bible, Adam and Eve, we find that when they faced a problem and had to start over they didn’t own up to their failure they blamed someone else.  When God first created human beings and placed them in the center of creation, their only job was to be fruitful and multiply.  They were to govern over the world and enjoy everything God had created.  And God gave them just one rule, you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Genesis 2:17  By giving them this one rule, God is making himself the boss.  God is the creator and He is reminding Adam and Eve that while all in this world are under their authority, they remain under God’s authority. 

It didn’t take long for Adam and Eve to do the one thing they were told not to do and as soon as they did it, they knew they had done something wrong because they wanted to hide from each other and God.  To this day, our first inclination when we do something wrong is to try and hide.  We try to hide the problem or cover it up in some fashion.  When confronted we often lie about it to hide the truth. 

When my sister and I came home from school one day we both had forgotten our house key so we decided to get out the extension ladder, climb on the roof and get in through the open window in my parent’s bedroom.  When we were done we put the ladder away and thought no one would know.  But then my Dad came home and noticed that the ladder had been moved.  He asked who got the ladder out and my sister and I both hid, behind a lie.  We said we didn’t know and so my mom walked next door to ask the neighbors if they had seen anything.  In that moment we knew we were busted.  So I ran to my mom and told her the truth. 

It is amazing that today we continue to hide when we fail or make a mistake – just like Adam and Eve.  They felt shame and guilt because of their failure and they tried to hide from God and each other, but in his love, God didn’t allow Adam and Eve to hide.  God went looking for them so they could start over but when he found them, this is what they said.  Genesis 3:11-13. 
So Adam blamed Eve and Eve blamed the serpent.  Now here’s the thing – they were actually right in what they said.  The serpent did suggest to Eve that they should eat from this tree and Eve did give some of the fruit to Adam, so technically they were right – it was someone else’s fault but that’s wasn’t the whole story.  Eve also made her own decision to eat the fruit so she had her part to play in this unfolding story, and Adam made his own choices as well.  But instead of owning their mistakes – they blamed someone else.  We are the offspring of Adam and Eve, so just as we try to hide when we fail, we also try to blame others when we are confronted.  It is natural for us to play the blame game when things fall apart, but we need to own our part in the failure or the failure will own us.  We need to own our part of the story or we will repeat the story again and again. 

Andy Stanley has said that we can’t blame our way into a better future.  We can blame people for all our problems and move into the future and try to do better, but if we do we take those very same problems with us.  Blame sets us up for a repeat performance of our failed past.  So to start over differently and make sure this time is better than last time we need to own our part of the problem.

When we are willing to evaluate the situation and own our part of the problem we gain clarity.  Owning our mistakes and our part of the difficult story of our lives humbles us so that we can make better decisions and actually do something different the next time.  Jesus says, Blesssed are the pure in heart for they shall see God.  Matthew 5:8.  So purity leads to clarity.  When we are honest about our own lives and humble ourselves and take ownership of our own story then we begin to see God’s hand at work in us and then we begin to see the healthy and right decisions we need to make so we can move forward. 

So here is an exercise for us all to do today.  Think about a situation where we may need to start over because of some disaster or failure.  Draw a circle and call it the circle of blame. 

This circle contains everything that contributed to the problem and while we want to say that everything in this circle is someone else’s problem, what we need to do is ask ourselves what percentage of this circle will we own? 

It might be only a small piece of the pie that is ours to own, but owning our part will help us start over well. 

Even when the situation we face has been caused by someone else’s behavior, dysfunction or failure, there is always a part we can own.  For example, maybe we didn’t listen to God when something told us that things weren’t quite right.  Or maybe we didn’t listen to our family or friends who tried to warn us that the decisions we were making weren’t good ones.  Maybe we stayed too long in a relationship when we knew the behavior we were experiencing was harmful, or maybe we were afraid to confront the situation and honestly deal with the problem so we let if linger and grow.  Maybe we were just too embarrassed to admit to ourselves or anyone else that there was a problem.  Or maybe we just didn’t do our best at school or follow through the way we should have at work. 

What part of the circle do we need to own?  If we don’t own it, we can’t learn from it.  If we just blame others, we aren’t able to grow and do things differently and make better choices and wiser decisions moving forward.  So we have to own it, but this doesn’t mean we own all of it.  For most of us, everything in this circle was not our fault so we can’t take responsibility for things that were not our issues – that can be just as destructive to our ability to do better the next time.  When we say that it is all our fault, it covers up the real issues we need to deal with and it keeps us from focusing on what we need to do differently.  Owning issues that aren’t ours will set us up to fail, so don’t own all of it, but honestly own your piece of it. 

Owning our mistakes is just the first step, but it is an important one.  Next week we will look at how to rethink these situations and then how to release them and forgive, but this week we need to start by owning our mistakes so next time will be better than last time.  This week, let’s take the first step in making peace with the past by owning our piece of it. 


Next Steps
Own It

1. Read the story of Adam and Eve in Genesis 3:1-13. 
Why do you think Adam blamed and Eve and Eve blamed the serpent?  Why do we still like to blame others for our problems? 

2.  Think about a problem situation where you need to start over.  In this “circle of blame” - what percentage do you need to own?

3.  Be specific and identify how you have contributed to your need to start over? 

4.  In prayer, ask God for the clarity you need to take responsibility for your own problems so you can see how and where God wants to work in you.  (See Matthew 5:8) 

Starting Over

One year for Christmas my parents got me a string art kit.  You pound dozens to tiny little nails onto a piece of wood and then wind the string around the nails to make the design.  I worked with my Dad on it to get all the nails in the right spot but then I was ready to wind the string around all the nails and make the picture.  I was ready to just do it, but my Dad wouldn’t let me because first we had to read all the directions.  I remember being so frustrated because I knew how to do this, it wasn’t complicated, you just wind the string around the nails and you have it.  I didn’t need to read any directions, I saw the picture on the box and wanted to just do it.  It was a frustrating experience for both of us. 

There are two types of people in the world, those who read the directions all the way through and those who don’t.  I am not one of those people who reads the directions all the way through.  I kind of look at them, see the finished project and start.  Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn’t.  What I have learned is that reading the directions are for those people who want to get it right the first time.  Andy Stanley says directions are for those who don’t know the joy of “reassembling.” 

I have experienced the joy of reassembling.  I recently put together a small little TV and by put together I mean I attached the stand that came with it.  There were only a few screws and not much to it so I didn’t bother with the directions.  The first time I used the wrong screws so had to take it apart, the second time I put the stand on backwards so the TV sat wrong and so it took me three tries to get it right.  That’s the joy of reassembling.

Starting over and reassembly is fine for TVs and string art, but it’s not very good when it comes to relationships, parenting, jobs and finances.  In the major areas of life, starting over is disruptive and costly, we all have to do it at times but how can we make sure that this time when we start over it won’t be like the last time.  What does it look like for us to start over and do it better and get it right?  That’s what we are going to look at for the next few weeks. 

To start us off we need to dispel three myths or assumption we hold when it comes to starting over.  The first assumption is a phrase we all have heard and probably believe.  Experience makes us wiser.  I wish this were true, but it is not.  Experience makes us older, it makes us tired, it makes us poorer and madder and lonelier, but it doesn’t always make us wiser.  Experience on its own does not make us any wiser, it is evaluated experience that makes us wiser.  Going through something doesn’t mean anything, it is what we have learned through that experience that helps shape our decisions and actions in the future that makes a difference. 

Think about the people of Israel as they began their journey to the Promised Land.  God had just parted the Red Sea and led the people safely away from Pharaoh and the Egyptian Army.  God did a miracle with water to deliver his people but three days later the people are complaining because they had no water to drink.  The experience of seeing God provide for them and perform a miracle with water did not make the people wiser because here they are complaining that they have no water.  They had not evaluated their experience.  The people didn’t think about what they had just gone through.  They didn’t evaluate the power of God and think about how God might now provide them with water to drink. 

Just because we go through something doesn’t mean we will learn from it, we have to evaluate the experience so we can make better decisions the next time we are in a similar situation.  Where we really see this play out is in relationships.  We all have friends who get out of one bad relationship and before they can reflect on it, learn from it or even think about it they have jumped into another relationship that is just as bad.  We often see this pattern again and again and again in others (or maybe in ourselves) and so we know that experience doesn’t make us wiser, it is evaluated experience that helps us when we need to start over.  What experience do we need to evaluate before we start over? 

The second assumption is similar, we often tell ourselves, since I know better this time – I’ll do better.  This isn’t true either.  We know right from wrong, but still make wrong choices.  We know what is good for us to eat but still choose to eat the wrong foods.  We know how we should treat people in relationships but find ourselves falling back into bad behaviors that don’t lift others up.  The Apostle Paul knew good from evil and he knew that deep down he wanted to do good but in the end it was always the evil that he chose.  Romans 7:15 and 19 

Just knowing better doesn’t mean we will do better the next time, we have to learn what to do differently so that the next time truly is better.  People who find victory over addictions have learned this lesson.  Just knowing that drinking too much is bad doesn’t help someone battling alcoholism.  What helps is knowing what to do differently when the temptation to drink comes along.  This is where programs like AA find their success because what people learn to do differently is to get someone to help them.  On our own we can’t do better, but when others step in at just the right moment to offer help – we can.  Where do we need to learn new behaviors before we start over?

The third assumption that often keeps us from starting over well is thinking - time is against us.  When we starting thinking, I’m not getting any younger, we often act quickly, irrationally and unfaithfully.  When we start thinking time is against us we usually take matters into our own hands and do things our own way.  We see this happen in the life of Abraham and Sarah.  God had promised Abraham that he would we be the father of many nations, which means having many children, or at least a child, but for years no child ever arrive.  Abraham and Sarah kept saying to themselves, we aren’t getting any younger and so they decided that Abraham could have a child with Sarah’s servant and at least then he would have an offspring. 

Thinking that time was against them caused Abraham and Sarah to act unfaithfully and rush into a decision that in the end was disastrous.  Instead of seeing time as an enemy we need to see time as our friend.  Time gives us the opportunity to think and reflect, to evaluate and learn and time gives us the opportunity to come up with good and faithful plans for the future.  Time gives God the opportunity to speak to us and shape us.  Time often helps us hear things that we simply weren’t ready to hear earlier. 

Giving ourselves time to listen and learn and giving God time work in us and around us is difficult.  We live in a society where we convince ourselves that waiting is bad.  We get upset if we have to wait more than a few minutes to check out at the grocery store.  Forget about waiting two days for Amazon to deliver our package, people want it now which is why drone service is being explored in urban areas.  People don’t want to wait for packages or answers and we don’t want to wait for faith to develop, we want it now and yet God often calls us to wait and this time of waiting is important because it gives us the opportunity to grow and mature. 

Abraham was told he was going to be the father of a great nation and then it was 25 years before he had a child.  Moses first rose as a leader among the Jewish people while he was a young man in Pharaoh’s court but it wasn’t until he had spent 40 years as a shepherd that God finally used him to deliver his people.  Paul became a follower of Jesus but then spent 3 years in the wilderness of Arabia studying before he came back to be a leader in the Christian church.  Time helps us learn and grow.  It humbles us and helps us hear God’s divine plan for our lives. 

If we will give ourselves time before we make a decision or jump into something new we will have the ability to evaluate our experiences, learn how to do things differently and have a clearer understanding of what it is God wants for us.  Where do we need to give God more time before we start over? 

Let me close with one verse that we need to keep in mind as we face situations where we need to start over.  Whether we are starting over because we have made a mess of things or because life handed us a mess or a tragedy or because others have created a mess in our lives, there is a one thing we need to remember, in all things God works for the good.  Romans 8:28.  No matter what we are coming out of – God can work in that for good.  God’s greatest gift is taking our brokenness and making something positive out of it.  We can start over and have things be better but only if we will give God the ability to work in our lives. 

That full verse says, in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  God works for the good in those who love him and if we love God then we have to allow God to work in all things.  If we don’t open up areas of our life to God, then those will be the areas that constantly trip us up causing us to have to start over again and again and again.  The more we open ourselves up to God, the more God can work in us for good and move us along good paths so that this time might truly be better than last time and that this time might actually be the last time we need to start over.

As we start this New Year, we all have places where we need to start over and we need to do this with new assumptions, new attitudes and a new ways of living.  Evaluate the experiences you have gone through so you can make wise decisions.  Learn what you need to do differently to actually do better this time and give God and give yourself time:  time to heal, time to listen, time to learn and grow, time to trust and time to discover God’s true destiny for your life.  This time when we start over, let’s do it right so it can truly be the last time we need to start over. 



Next Steps
Starting Over

Where do you need to start over?  What mistakes do you need to avoid so this time can be better than last time? 

Three Wrong Assumptions about Starting Over
Experience makes us wiser.
o Read Exodus 15:19-27.  How do the Israelites show us that this assumption is wrong?
Since I know better – I’ll do better.
o Read Romans 7:15-24.  How does Paul’s reflection on his life mirror your own? 
Time is against us. 
o Read Genesis 16:1-6.  How did seeing time as an enemy effect Abraham and Sarah’s judgement?  How does it affect yours? 

Three Right Assumptions about Starting Over
Evaluated experience makes us wiser.
o What experience do you need to evaluate and reflect on before you start over?
o How can this new knowledge help you make better decisions?
What must I do differently so I’ll do better?
o What actions must be changed so the next time will be better?
Time is my friend. 
o Where do you need to give yourself and God more time before you start over?  Where do you need time to heal, learn, mature and listen?

Memorize Romans 8:28 - In all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.