My guess is that all of us have wrestled with a bad habit or addiction that we have not been able to stop. Whether it is being constantly negative and only seeing the bad in people and situations, or not being able to control our eating, drinking, or shopping, or spending way too much time binge watching TV or scrolling through social media, we have all found ourselves asking the question, Why can’t I stop?
Many years ago, before binge watching was a thing, I discovered the TV show 24. I started watching it in the third or fourth season but then someone gave me the first few seasons on DVD. I started watching it one night and if you know the show, each episode is one hour in a 24 hour day, but it is a day when the nation or the world hangs in the balance due to some kind of attack. So I watched the first hour and was hooked. I would tell myself, it’s not a full hour of TV, it’s more like 45-50 minutes so I would watch another episode, and then another. One night it was 2:00 in the morning and I asked myself, why can’t I stop? The DVD’s will be there tomorrow, this wasn’t real life, and I needed to get some sleep, but I just couldn’t stop.
I’ll be honest, I ask this when I sit down with a bag of chips as well. Why can’t I stop? Or a half gallon of ice-cream? Why can’t I stop? Sometimes I ask this when I visit a new church or am a visitor in worship and I start critiquing everything. Why can’t I stop and just worship? I was doing this on vacation once with my friends and they said, Andy - stop.
Sometimes, the things we wrestle with are much more serious and destructive. Why can't I stop fantasizing about others when I’m in a perfectly happy and healthy marriage? Why can't I stop drinking or smoking? Why can’t I stop the constant negative and destructive thoughts I have about myself? Why can’t I stop gossiping and putting others down?
For those of us who walk with Jesus, when we ask this question we might begin to bargain with God. God, I will read my Bible everyday, worship every week, give 10% to the church if you will just let me stop. We might find some strength to change for a day or two, maybe even a week or two, but then we find ourselves falling back into old habits and bad addictions. Why can’t we stop and experience real change? We want to change, we desire to change, we pray for change, but change doesn’t happen.
The truth is that there are many reasons why we might feel “stuck” in a pattern of old habits and addictions and we aren’t going to be able to talk about them all. There are practical reasons why we might not be able to change. For example, if I buy chips and have them in the house I’m going to eat them. I know this but I don’t change my practice.
There are emotional reasons why we might not be able to change. Old wounds and unresolved issues will find their way to the surface in our lives and usually they come out in negative behavior. One of my favorite shows is Hoarders and if you watch more than a few episodes, you know that one reason people hoard is because they have experienced some kind of traumatic loss that they have not worked through.
There are also relational reasons why we might not be able to change. It’s hard to stop drinking if all our friends go to the bar every night. It’s hard to stop gossiping when everyone around us is eager to share the latest tidbit they just heard. And there are physical reasons why we might not be able to stop. If you struggle with deep and ongoing depression, it could be a chemical imbalance in the brain that needs to be cared for.
Each of these things can keep us stuck in an endless cycle of asking why, so it’s important to work with people who can help us figure some of this out. I encourage you to talk with friends or therapists who can help you work through some of these issues, but today, what I want to focus on is what we find in the center of all this - spiritual reasons.
There are spiritual reasons that cause us to turn to negative habits and behaviors that over time can take control of our lives. When this happens, it is often because we are trying to meet a spiritual need with something other than God. In the 17th century, there was a french mathematician and philosopher, Blaise Pascal, who said,
What else does this craving, and this helplessness, proclaim but that there was once in man a true happiness, of which all that now remains is the empty print and trace? This he tries in vain to fill with everything around him, seeking in things that are not there the help he cannot find in those that are, though none can help, since this infinite abyss can be filled only with an infinite and immutable object; in other words by God himself.
Pascal talks about an emptiness and a craving in us that is so strong it leads us to try and fill the void with everything around us. The emptiness is so strong that we feel helpless in overcoming our behavior, in other words, we can’t stop, but nothing fills the void. Since the void within us is a longing for a relationship with God, only God can fill it. Nothing finite can fill the infinite abyss, or the God shaped hole, except God alone.
Even religion can not fill that God shaped hole. I’m not saying Jesus can’t fill it, or God can’t fill it, I’m saying religion can’t fill it. Religion is our attempt to earn God’s approval by trying to follow all the rules. Religion is trying to please God on our own. Religion is trying to live like Jesus all by ourselves. Religion is trying to stop bad habits and addictions in our own strength and working with all our strength and power to be good. Religion will always come up short.
Religion won’t change us, but grace will. The first thing grace does is bring us back into a relationship with God. For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. Titus 2:11
We are saved by God’s grace alone. While our sin separates us from God, God’s grace brings us back to God. Religion doesn’t save us. Trying on our own to be good and faithful doesn’t save us. We are saved by grace alone. Grace is the unmerited goodwill and favor of God. Grace is what God has done for us, not what we have done or can do for God. God’s grace saves us, but it doesn’t stop there, it is God’s grace that will also change us.
Too many of us know that we are saved by God’s grace but then think we have to change all on our own. We tell ourselves, I have to overcome all these things in my life, I have to follow all the rules, be obedient to God in all things, and change all that is bad in me and make it good. If it’s going to be, then it’s up to me. We are saved by grace but then tell ourselves transformation is only going to come by our hard work. As long as we believe this and live this way, we will fail. Let me share a verse that can be a game changer when it comes to change.
God’s grace teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope—the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ. Titus 2:12-13
In other words, the grace that SAVES us is the grace that SUSTAINS us. Just as it is God’s grace that sets us into a right relationship with God, so it is God’s grace that will transform us into the person God has called me to be. I don’t change by trying harder, I change by trusting more and more in the grace of God that is already at work within me.
Here at Faith Church, we talk about our faith in the context of 3 relationships: a relationship with God, the church, and the world. We can grow in our faith by focusing on the rhythms that are part of each relationship. We can grow in our relationship with God by living fully into our identity. The rhythm of identity is simply knowing who we are in Christ Jesus and that we are a new creation not by working harder but by trusting in God’s grace.
Because of God’s grace, we don’t have to work harder to be loved, we are fully loved right now. Because of God’s grace, we don’t have to dig deeper to find the strength to change because God’s grace leads us to a new life, it helps us change. Jesus said, if the Son sets you free, you are free indeed. Well guess what, the Son, Jesus, has set us free so by God’s grace we are free. We are not slaves to sin and addictions and the habits that hold us back, we are free, free to live a new life by God’s grace.
So the question is, how does God’s grace change us? It changes us by helping us focus on the right things. Too often when we want to change, we focus on the outward problem. We focus on our eating, or shopping, or drinking, or the time we spend online. We focus on the problem and tell ourselves that if we can change our outward behavior, everything will be ok.
As long as we only focus on the outward appearance and our behavior, we will fail. In many ways this is religion. Religion focuses on the outward appearance and behavior and tells us that we need to clean things up. This is what the religious leaders were doing in Jesus’ day and Jesus told them, you’re doing it all wrong.
Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean. Matthew 23:25-26
Jesus often talked about how religious people always got it wrong because they started by focusing on the outside. He was critical of those who worked to make sure their prayers were just right but whose hearts were hard. He was critical of those who made sure they gave exactly the way the law told them to but then weren’t generous with their family and friends.
In the parable of the Good Samaritan, Jesus was critical of the religious leaders who all passed by a man in need because they had important things to do or didn’t want to defile themselves by stopping to help. What Jesus wants us to do is focus on and fix what is inside of us and allow that to change our actions and behaviors. What changes the inside is not our actions but God’s grace.
So the first step to real change is to stop looking at the outside and what needs to change and more deeply accept God’s grace on the inside. The second step to real change comes when we can be honest about all that we find when we do look inside, and we can be honest, brutally honest, when we fully trust in God’s grace.
When we know beyond any doubt that God loves us, and that His grace alone has forgiven us and saved us, we can confess all our sins, even those sins we don’t want to acknowledge. When we know the full power of God’s love, we can be brutally honest about all the darkness that lies within us and open up about the secrets we carry, the shame we hide, and the lies we tell ourselves and others.
Because of God’s grace, we can be honest about the things inside us that need to be cleaned up, and when we start being honest and confess those things to God, our lives will change. If we can’t see the brokenness on the inside that needs to be healed and the void that needs to be filled, and if we aren’t willing to confess our sin, then God can’t forgive us and heal us and make us whole. We have to allow God’s grace to lead us to a place of confession and forgiveness.
It can be painful when we come to terms with the spiritual issues in our lives and the sin that lies deep within us, but the wonderful thing about God’s grace is that the more sin we uncover in our lives, the more God’s grace appears. Paul said, where sin increased, grace increased all the more. Romans 5:20.
We don’t sin more to get more grace, but as we uncover and come to terms with the reality and tenacity of our sin, the sin that keeps us holding on to our bad habits and behaviors, we find God’s grace abounds all the more to set us free.
So, why can’t you stop? I can’t completely answer that in your life. It’s complicated. There can be many issues that keep us stuck and unable to change, but behind much of our struggle is a spiritual problem. We are trying to meet a need and fill a void that can only be met by God’s grace. Religion won’t solve our problems. Trying harder to stop bad habits and addictions doesn’t always work. What we need is to trust in the power of God’s grace alone. The grace that saved us is the grace that will sustain us, but even more important is this.
The grace that saves us is the grace that will set us free.
Freedom and new life doesn’t happen in an instant, we might find success and failure in our walk of faith and our relationship with God, the church, and the world, but the more we focus on the power of God’s grace, the more we find the power to live a life free from sin and the power to really change.
Next Steps
Why can’t I change?
What are the habits, behaviors and addictions you want to stop?
● How have you tried to stop in the past?
● Were you successful short term? Long term?
How have you been trying to fill the “God-shaped hole” in your life?
What do you tend to turn to when you feel isolated or alone?
The grace that saves you is the grace that sustains you.
Read Titus 2:11-13
When has God’s grace led you to a more self-controlled and godly life?
How can seeing yourself as a fully loved child of God help you grow in the rhythm of “identity”? (check out the 3 Relationships Workbook at bellefontefaith.com/3r)
What other rhythm in the 3 Relationships can we grow in by focusing on God’s grace.
Set your heart and mind on God’s grace each day this week by reading a verse about God’s grace . Ephesians 2:8-9
Romans 5:20-21
Romans 6:14
1 Corinthians 15:10
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
John 1:16-17
Hebrews 4:15-16.
Why is it easier to focus on the outside, and work to clean up behaviors and actions, instead of trying to clean up the inside? See Matthew 23:25-26
How can God’s grace lead us to a place of confession and repentance? How can that help us clean up the inside?