Since today is Father’s Day, it seems appropriate for us to look at what the Proverbs have to say about the family. Family relationships appear quickly in the book, look at Proverbs 1:8. Solomon appeals to his son to listen to the instruction and advice given to him by his parents and then he goes on to say that if he will follow this wisdom - his life will be blessed. In many ways this is the foundation of all other teaching on the family that is to come. Parents are to give wise advice to their children, and children need to listen and apply that wisdom to their lives, and if everyone does this, everyone will be blessed. If you think about it, this really could be the foundation for all relationships. Whether it is with the family, or among friends or in the life of the church, we need to offer one another wisdom and we need to be open to listening to the wisdom of others. When we have this kind of mutual respect and love – we all learn and we are all blessed.
As we heard last week, the book of proverbs isn’t constructed in a topical way where we find all the teachings on family relationships in one section, so I invite you to follow along on the insert where you will find listed most of the proverbs that we will look at today and if any of these speak to you during the service you can make a note to read, reflect and respond to them later this week.
Before we look at specific proverbs given to the family, there is an important guiding principle that we need to keep in mind and we find this principle in Proverbs 10:1 & 20:7. What these proverbs tell us is that the way we live our lives and the choices we make have consequences in the lives of others, especially our family. Proverbs 10:1 says that how children live their lives affects their parents. When they are wise they bring joy, but when they are foolish they bring heartache and pain, but the reverse of this is also true, that’s what we see in Proverbs 20:7. When we walk in righteousness and integrity it has an impact on our children. Not only does our righteous living bless our children, but when they follow us, their lives will continue to be blessed. The example that parents set for their children makes a difference in their lives. So the truth we need to remember as we look at family relationships this week and even friendships next week is that the way we live our lives and the choices we make have consequences in the lives of others. Too many times we think that we can just live our lives any way we want and as long as we are not physically hurting anyone, it doesn’t matter what we do, but that simply is not true. Our actions and choices do have consequences in the lives of others. Every action and choice we make in some way affects those around us and the most powerful effect is going to be experienced by those closest to us, particularly our family.
The truth we see here is that God did not create us to be independent, God created us, and really God set up all of creation to be interdependent. What one part of creation does effects everything else. I grew up along the beach in CT and I remember being amazed when I learned that it is the gravitational pull of the sun and the moon that affects the tides of the oceans. It amazes me that something as far away as the sun and the moon can have an effect on the oceans around us, but it shows us that all of creation is interdependent. A few years ago there was a lot of concern over why bee hives were collapsing and there were so few bees all along the east coast. You might not think that a little bee is all that important, but without bees all food production would drop off because plants wouldn’t be pollinated; fruits and vegetables wouldn’t grow and eventually all other forms of life would suffer. If the bees continued to disappear and hives destroyed all of creation would suffer – all because of the little bee. Humans are no different, we are interrelated so what we do or don’t do effects others and we need to keep this truth in mind as we look at the proverbs on family and friends.
So where do we start in developing or strengthening family relationships? We actually start in the same place we did last week. Last week we saw that the first step in applying God’s wisdom to our lives was to turn our ear to wisdom. We had to listen to God and read his word. That’s the same place to start when it comes to family relationships. Go back to Proverbs 1:8, the same things is said in Proverbs 4:1, and in Proverbs 23:22 –it says Listen to the Father who gave you life. Children are called to listen to their parents.
Maybe the first step in honoring our father and mother, which is one of the 10 Commandments, is to listen to them. I want us to think about this commandment for a moment. Did you know that the commandment to honor they father and mother is the only commandment that comes with a blessing. In Dtr 5:16 it says, honor thy father and mother so that your days may be long and it may go well with you in the land that the Lord your God is giving you. When we honor our parents it doesn’t just bless them, but it also brings God’s blessing to us. How we treat one another affects everyone involved and how we treat our parents makes a difference in our lives. This is a good thing to remember today. If our fathers are still around we need to honor them and maybe the best way to do that is take the time to listen to them – if we do that we not only bless them, but we will be blessed as well. And if you are a father, take the time to share your wisdom, life, faith and love with your children, if you do that – you will be blessed.
So we need to listen to our parents, but listening doesn’t mean we just hear the words, we are to give those words special attention, look at Proverbs 4:1b-2. Another way to say this is found in Proverbs 13:1 a wise son heeds his father’s instruction. The word heed doesn’t mean to obey, it means to give careful attention to, so this is not a mandate calling us to do whatever our parents tell us, as we get older we do have to make our own decisions and stand by them, but as we make them, it might be wise for us to give special attention to what our parents have to say, after all, their advice might have come through some valuable life experience.
When I was in college I got some good advice from my grandfather that I wish I had given more attention to. At the time, I wanted to transfer from MSU to USC. I was talking to my Grandfather on the phone one day who simply said, CA is too far away from your family. Now at that point in time, being close my family wasn’t important to me, I thought it would be fun to see the world and live close to the beaches and mountains of CA. As remember back to that conversation, my Grandfather didn’t tell me what to do, he was offering advice and wisdom that came from his heart and from lifetime of experience. For years my Grandparents lived in FL and then in TN while we lived in CT. For most of my childhood we simply weren’t geographically close to them so we didn’t get to spend a lot of time together. When I thought of moving to CA, my Grandfather was in is late 80’s and I think he was beginning to understand just how important family really is. My Grandfather also came to this country on his own as a teenager and lived with extended family, so he knew the pain of being far away from family, but also the blessing of being with extended family. While there was great wisdom in his words, I didn’t give it careful attention. In fact, twice in my life I moved to CA and I have to tell you that neither time was a very good experience and after both trips there I ended up moving back east to be, guess what?, closer to my family.
So there is value in heeding the advice of our parents and grandparents, but parents, if you are going to offer wise advice and instruction, then it is important that you are seeking God’s wisdom for yourself. If parents aren’t seeking and applying God’s word to their own lives, the family will suffer, look at Proverbs 11:29.
Wind here is a destructive force bringing chaos and confusion, so if parents are not seeking righteousness and living wisely, if they are stirring up trouble, they will create confusion not just in their lives but in the lives of the children. But then look at Proverbs 11:30 – the fruit of the righteous is a tree of life. When we seek God’s wisdom, we not only bring life to ourselves but to others as well. Isn’t that the image we get with a tree? A tree not only has life, but it produces fruit that offers life to others, and in its branches a tree provides homes for birds and squirrels. A tree brings life to many others and if we seek God’s wisdom and apply it to our lives we are that tree of life that brings righteousness to others. So a word to all parents here, before we can call children to listen and pay attention to our words, we have to first turn your own ear to wisdom and hear God’s word for ourselves and make sure we are living out God’s wisdom in our lives, then we can call our children to listen to us.
So it is important for us to gain wisdom as a child, but it can’t stop at graduation, we need to continually seek wisdom and then hold on to it throughout our lives. That’s the message of Proverbs 4:3-9. As a child Solomon gained wisdom from his parents (3-5) but then he had to hold on to that wisdom throughout his life. Look at what he says, do not forsake wisdom (6) Get it, pursue it and do not forsake it all through life. Parents need to keep gaining God’s wisdom so they have something valuable and eternal to share with their children. It’s not enough to just offer our children help in living life; we need to share with them the truth of God and the foundation of our faith so they have something solid and eternal to base their lives on. Jesus said that while heaven and earth will pass away, my word will never pass away. The word of God, the wisdom of God is eternal. The conventional wisdom of the world will not stand the test of time, but God’s ancient wisdom is eternal and we need to continually seek this wisdom in order to share it with our children and grandchildren.
Now probably the most often quoted proverb on family and parenting is Proverbs 22:6. Now let’s be clear about what the proverb says and doesn’t say. It says we are to train a child in the way he should go. It doesn’t say teach and it doesn’t say tell, it says train and training involves more than just words. Training means that we show them the way. Parents are role models for their children, for good or for bad, children will model what they see in their parents. If you have children you know full well that children will learn more from what you do than what you say, so we can’t just tell them what to do, or tell them about God – we have to show them the way. For example, it’s not enough to tell our children that they can pray to God, we need to model prayer for them. And we can’t just tell them that reading the Bible is good for them, they need to see us reading it and we need to help them understand what the message of God word means. And we can’t tell them that worship is important we need to have them worship with us. Children need to see that our faith is real and important to us and they need to see how our faith shapes our actions and the decisions we make. Don’t think that children will learn about faith from others, they need to see it in you and learn it from you, parents will be the main guides and leaders for their children.
This is what we see in Proverbs 4:10-13. Look at the words here, we don’t just to teach with words, that’s part of it (4:10), but we are also to guide and lead them in the way. We need to model the life of faith and take others, especially our children, by the hand and lead them to a place of understanding and faith. And this is not just a call to biological mothers and fathers; this is a call to everyone in the church. We are to model the life of faith so that others can see it clearly and follow us. Paul said; follow my example as I follow the example of Christ. Can we say the same thing? Are our lives leading people deeper into their faith and closer to the heart and will of God?
Last week when we celebrated baptism, together we said that with God’s help we will so order our lives after the example of Christ that this child, surrounded by steadfast love, may be established in the faith and confirmed and strengthened in the way that leads to life eternal. In baptism we are saying that together we will lead and guide a child into faith, and this means being active and helping in the Nursery, Sunday School, Vacation Bible School, Worship, Choir, Bible Study, and Missions. Children need us fully living out our faith so that they can see what it means for them to follow Jesus.
There are 2 more proverbs that I want us to look at quickly this morning because they are important to family relationships. The first one is Proverbs 20:20 - children should not curse their parents. Did you know that in the law, the cursing of parents was a capital offense? In Ex. 21:17 it says if a child cursed his parents they were to be put to death. Now I’m not saying we should go back to this by any means, but what the law and this proverb says is that God takes seriously how we treat one another and so we need to respect one another. It bothers me when I watch TV and see how parents are often portrayed as fools and objects of ridicule by their children. This not only breaks down the respect we are to have for our parents, but it breaks down the basic respect we are to have for one another. The message shared in that kind of situation is that if it is ok to treat our parents this way, then it’s ok to treat everyone this way. Likewise, it bothers me to hear how parents are not always supportive and encouraging of their children. Mutual love and respect begins at home in how we speak to one another in our families and while our actions are important, as we have already seen, our words also do matter.
And then last, but not least, there are the proverbs on discipline. The book of Proverbs speak pretty clearly about the need for children to be disciplined and while the disciple it calls for at times is physical, let’s be absolutely clear that this call to discipline is not a call and it is not a justification for any kind of abuse. I am not here to tell you how to discipline your children, but I am here to say that God’s wisdom calls for parents to find effective and faithful ways to disciple their children so they learn to live within the boundaries God has set for us. Maybe the best Proverb on disciple is Proverb 19:18 which says, disciple your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death. This proverb shows us that disciple brings life and if we don’t disciple our children they will not experience the fullness of life, but we can also read the second part of this as a call not to harm or disciple our children in ways that leads to their harm or destruction.
So what the proverbs have to say to us as families is that we are dependant upon one another. How we live not only affects our lives but the lives of everyone in our family. So parents, listen to God, gain wisdom and apply it to your lives so you can not only teach and instruct but more importantly so you can model faithful living. And children, children of all ages, listen to your parents. Heed their advice and experiences and pay careful attention to what they say. Apply their wisdom to the living of your lives. If we will all live this –our lives will be blessed.
