This month we have been looking at some of the things we chase in life that we think will make us happy, or help us feel safe and secure. There are times we chase fame and popularity because we are convinced that having our videos go viral on social media will validate our lives and bring us fulfillment. At other times, we try to live up to the expectations that others have for us, or those unreal expectations of perfection we set for ourselves. Most of us struggle with pursuing money and possessions because we have bought into the lie that more things will make us happy and more money will make us secure. What we find in each of these areas is that the race is never won so we have to keep running. There is no real life found in these pursuits.
Today we are going to talk about chasing after the approval of others, and for many of us, this is how we live. We are true people pleasers and we want to do anything and everything to make sure that people like us. On the surface you might not think there is anything wrong with this, after all, making others happy seems like a noble goal, but as we dig below the surface, we find that the need to please is a sickness that can eat away our happiness, our health, and our spiritual wellbeing.
Psychologist and bestselling author, Harriet Braiker, said “the disease to please is a form of addiction. Like a drug addict seeks drugs, so a people pleaser seeks approval.” While this may sound extreme, it is true. When our pursuit is to please all the people all the time, we will tie ourselves up in knots trying to make it happen. We will never succeed because everyone wants something different, and the race never ends because we will always find one more person we will want to please.
People pleasers struggle in three main areas. First, they obsess about what other people think of them. They don’t wonder or worry about it, they become obsessed over it. They think of it constantly. Their need for approval drives all their words and actions. People pleasers will obsess over what they are wearing: is it appropriate, will I fit in, is it fashionable, will others judge me because of how I look, will I get any likes on social media. They will obsess over what they say: was that joke funny, was my story engaging, did what I say make me sound intelligent or cool. Our need for approval can literally make us sick with worry and stress.
I will be honest, I am a bit of a people pleaser. I want people to like me, I want to fit in, I want to be cool (ok, I think I failed on that one once I hit 4th grade). Being an overweight kid who was completely non-athletic, there were many times I didn’t fit in at school and all I wanted to be was part of the in crowd, I wanted to belong. Those desires shaped not only what I thought of myself, they drove me to try and please others so I would feel better about myself. That people pleasing perspective stayed with me.
For probably the first 10 to 15 years of being a pastor I returned home from Sunday worship and felt an overwhelming sense of dread as I looked at my answer machine. I was terrified that something I said in worship, or something that I did on Sunday, or didn’t do, would get them so mad that they would call to let me know. I didn’t want to disappoint them, I didn’t want them to be mad. I didn’t want to deal with the conflict and so I lived in fear until about 2 or 3 in the afternoon when I figured everything was ok. Being a people pleaser robbed me of joy and peace and being able to enjoy a Sunday lunch for 10 years.
People pleasers obsess over what others think of us and it slowly kills us. People pleasers are also overly sensitive to suggestions. Again, I’m not talking about feeling a little defensive, I’m talking about going to pieces because someone wanted to share a helpful suggestion. Whether it was helpful or critical, people pleasers will often shut down when others just want to share an idea.
The third struggle for people pleasers is that we (and I will include myself in this) have a hard time saying no. Because we want everyone to like us, we think we have to do everything people ask of us. We say yes to everything even when our lives are spinning out of control and we don’t have the time to do one more thing. We take it all on so that we don’t disappoint someone or make someone mad. People pleasers will go to great lengths to avoid conflict because we don’t want one side or the other to think negatively of us.
As I was reflecting on the dangers of chasing after the approval of others, I realized that like money, fame, or perfection, anything we chase after in life that is not God, is an idol. It’s not a statue that we bow down to every morning or evening, but it is something other than God that we chase after, and constantly seeking the approval of others means we are placing ourselves under their authority and not under the authority of God. Chasing the approval of others means we are serving them first and not God.
In Galatians 1:10 Paul says, Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. If you know anything about the life of Paul, you know he was not a people pleaser. Paul started out as a very zealous Pharisee who did everything he could to destroy the followers of Jesus. He arrested them. He beat them. He put them in prison, and he even gave the approval for the stoning of Stephen, one of the early church leaders.
Once Paul accepted Christ as his Savior and started to follow him as his Lord, he lost the approval of his Jewish friends and had no real friends among those who followed Jesus because they didn’t trust him, but none of that mattered to Paul because he wasn’t seeking their approval but God’s approval. Paul was not much of a people pleaser because he was not going to serve anyone other than God. To chase after the approval of people was to serve them and allow them to have authority in his life, and Paul would not do that.
As harsh as it sounds, chasing after the approval of others is a form of idolatry that pulls us away from God. Proverbs 29:25 says fear of man will prove to be a snare. The word snare literally means a noose, like you would use to rope an animal, or a hook that you would use to lead them where you want them to go. So when we are living to please others, we are allowing them to lead and guide us instead of God. We are giving them the authority in our lives that we need to give to God.
As long as we are trying to please people we will be led around by the desires, ideas, wants, and needs of others instead of God, but the rest of Proverbs 29:25 shows us the way out. Whoever trusts in the Lord will be kept safe. Here, trusting in the Lord means listening to and believing what God says about us more than what others say about us.
Now here is the good news, what God says about us is that through Christ we are already approved by God. Because of God’s love and grace, we are already loved by God. We already belong to God. Since we are already approved by God we don’t have to chase after His approval at all. That’s the good news, the bad news is that as soon as we start chasing after the approval of others, we will immediately forget what God thinks of us. Obsessing over what others think of us is the fastest way to forget what God already sees in us. Placing our faith and trust in God is the key to stop chasing the approval of others.
The approval of God heals the disease to please and it is God’s approval that can set us free from feeling like we constantly need the approval of others. And once again, we already have God’s approval. We don’t have to seek it, ask for it, or chase after it, we just need to accept it. Now, if, like me, you are someone who just never feels quite good enough and so tries to please others all the time, I want to invite you to do something intentional this week to turn things around. Since the voices around us, and in us, are usually the ones telling us we need the approval of others, I want to encourage you to replace those voices with the voice of God.
Every day this week, maybe morning and evening, read a passage of scripture that tells you exactly who you are in God’s eyes. And read it out loud, so you can hear an audible voice telling you that you are already approved, and that you are already loved, and that you are already forgiven, and that you already belong to God. You are God’s workmanship, you are God’s child, you are a new creation, and God’s perfect love for you has set you free from the need to chase after anything else.
Included in the next steps this week you will find a list of scriptures and I invite you to read one or two of them each day. Maybe you need to hear them in the morning to start your day right. Maybe you need to hear them in the evening when all the negative thoughts beat you up. I had to tell myself every Sunday for years that I was approved by God and that my value and worth didn’t come from what others thought of me but from the one who already loved me and died for me. It took a while for God’s approval to help me overcome my disease.
In time, God’s word has the power to replace the lies of the world that tell us that we need the approval of others. We are not what others think of us, we are fully who God says we already are in Christ. God says we are loved. God says we are forgiven. God says we are redeemed and belong to Him. God says we are precious in His sight so there is no more approval that we need to pursue.
Next Steps
Chasing the Approval of Others.
When you were young, whose approval meant the most to you? Why? Have you ever cared too much about what others thought?
People-pleasers battle three problems:
1. obsessing over what others think,
2. feeling overly sensitive to criticism,
3. having a hard time saying “no.”
Which problem most describes you? Why do you think you have a hard time with that particular problem?
Read Proverbs 29:25.
In what ways is fearing what others think a trap?
In what ways do you see people pleasing as a form of idolatry?
What are some ways you can stop seeking approval from others?
What steps can you take to start embracing who God says you are?
Scriptures to read out loud this week”
2 Corinthians 5:17
Ephesians 1:4-7
Romans 8:37
Ephesians 2:10
Matthew 5:14
Romans 8:11
Romans 8:17
2 Corinthians 5:20
2 Corinthians 5:21
Romans 1:7
1 Peter 2:9
Exodus 19:5
Philippians 3:20-21
John 15:15
Philippians 4:13
Ephesians 1:7
Psalm 139
Colossians 2:10
Galatians 2:20
Philippians 2:13
