From the very beginning of creation God saw that each one of us has a need for friendship. In Genesis 2 it says that God looked at his creation and when he saw Adam in the center of it all he said, “It is not good for man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18). Now the reason God knew it wasn’t good for Adam to be alone was because he knew that there was a part of Adam that was going to crave relationship and friendship and the reason God knew that was because we were created in the image of God and God himself is relational. At the core of God’s being is relationship. God is three persons, father, son and Holy Spirit, but all in one, so God knows the joy and the value of relationship. That’s why when God looked at Adam all alone in creation he realized that like himself, Adam was going to need a friend.
Now most of the time when he hear God say, it is not good for man to be alone, we think about it in the context of marriage, and the helper that God did create and give to Adam was Eve and they became what we think of as the first couple and the foundation of the family, but the kind of companionship God knows we need is not limited to the companionship of marriage. Since there are parts of the Bible that state clearly that choosing to remain single has its value, we have to look at this statement in Genesis as not just talking about marriage. God doesn’t want us to be alone and so he creates for us spouses and he places us in families, but God also lifts up the value and need we have for friendship and the proverbs gives wisdom on the value of friendship as well as guidance on choosing and keeping friends.
Let’s start with choosing our friends. In Proverbs 12:26 it says a righteous man is cautious in friendship. We are to be cautious in choosing friends because the character of our friends will have an impact in our lives, that is the wisdom behind Proverbs 22:24, do not make friends with a hot tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered. The way our friends live and the decisions they make will have an impact on our lives. We see this principle clearly when we look at the lives of our children and youth. Peer pressure from friends can influence young people to make choices they wouldn’t otherwise make and take risks they normally wouldn’t take. Friends can have a wonderfully positive influence on our lives, or they can bring us down, so we need to be cautious when we choose our friends. Ben Franklin said it this way, if you lie down with dogs you will rise up with fleas, and he was right.
So we need to be cautious in choosing our friends, but this doesn’t mean that we only surround ourselves with Christian friends. In fact we need to develop strong friendships with those outside the church so that we can be the salt and light that draws others to Jesus, but as we develop those friendships it is important for us to first have a strong support system of faith-filled friends who can keep us grounded. This principle was made clear to me the summer I worked in Rocky Mountain National Park. For two summers I worked in the national parks as part of the Christian Ministry in the Nation Park program. While I had a full time job working in the concessions at both Yellowstone and in the Rocky Mountains, I was really there to be the presence of God among those I worked with, I was there to be salt and light and try to be a faithful influence in the lives of others. For most employees, working in the National Parks was like one giant college party that was only interrupted for a few hours a day with some work. When I was in Yellowstone I had a strong group of Christian friends from the ministry program who helped keep me focused and grounded while I was there. Together we not only had a great time but we made a difference in the lives of the people around us and were able to effectively share the love of Christ with others.
The next summer I worked in the Rocky Mountains and I was the only one from the Christian ministry were I worked. I had no support or encouragement and I struggled to figure out how to really become friends with people who seemed to only be in the park to have fun. With no one to encourage me, with no support and help from faith filled friends, there were times that summer that I failed miserably in my walk with God. The peer pressure from those around me brought me down more than I was able to bring them up. Looking back I have often wondered how different that summer might have been if there had been just one other person of faith that I could have confided in and leaned upon for help and strength. It’s not good for us to be alone, we were not created to go through life alone, we not only need support but we need people of faith who can help us live the kind of lives we want to live.
Jesus also shows us how important this is. One of the first things Jesus did when he entered into public ministry was to draw together a team of people. Jesus called his disciples together and formed a close knit group of friends who helped each other. Not only do they help each other while Jesus was with them, but think about the love and support they gave each other after Jesus was gone. In fact after Jesus crucifixion when their lives were completely torn apart, the disciples for the most part stayed together. On Easter morning when Mary returns to the upper room to tell the disciples that she had seen Jesus alive, she finds all the disciples there, and when Jesus appears later in the day, all the disciples are together, in their times of need they found strength from one another. (I should say they were all together except Thomas and because he wasn’t there, he missed out – maybe there is a message about friendship in that too, if we aren’t paying attention to our friends, if we aren’t together during times of need – we just may miss out on Jesus.)
So we need to be wise in choosing our friends and it is important for us to develop friendships with people of faith. I was a reading a book this week which looked at trends of spiritual growth among people in over 200 churches across the country and one of the common practices found among people who grew stronger in their faith was the presence of a spiritual friend or mentor. The people who grew the strongest in their faith had a strong friendship with someone who helped them develop a deeper understanding of what it means to live for Christ. So choosing friends is important and making sure we have peers and mentors strong in their faith will be vital to the development of our own faith.
So we need to be cautious in choosing our friends, but then how do actually make friends? How do we move in a relationship from acquaintance to a deep and trusted friend? While many books have been written on how to win friends, maybe the best advice comes from Proverbs 3:3-4.
If we think of winning favor and a good name among men as developing friendships, then we see that what’s needed is love and faithfulness. The word love here is not a romantic love or even a brotherly love, the word for love is hesed, which is the same word we find in Micah 6:8 where it says we are to love mercy. Hesed is acts of mercy that involves sacrifice. The kind of love that develops deep friendship is not random acts of kindness but intentional consistent acts of service which lift others up. It’s being loyal to others and standing by them during good times and difficult times. When we love others with this kind of loyalty and commitment – friendship will develop.
So developing friendship requires love and it also require faithfulness: there are two sides of faithfulness for us to consider, this first has to do with being trustworthy. For friendships to develop there needs to be trust and trust requires honesty and confidentiality. Can we keep a confidence as people share with us their hopes and dreams? Can we remain faithful and silent when people share with us their fears and sins and struggles? Confidence is important for friendship and God knows we struggle with this which is why God addresses this issue several times in Proverbs. Prov. 11:13, 16:28, 17:9, 20:19. The book of Proverbs is full of sayings telling us to keep our mouth shut and to watch our words and our tongue and the reason God has to say it so often is because he knows that this is an area in which we struggle. Gossip is something we need to take seriously, in Romans 1:29 gossip is included in a list of evils right along side of wickedness, murder, envy, strife, greed and depravity. The reason we need to take gossip seriously is because it not only destroys friendships, but it breaks down the larger community. When we betray a confidence we make it harder for people to be able to trust anyone. So we need to ask ourselves, am I worthy of someone else’s trust? Can I keep a confidence? These are essential for friendship.
Being faithful in friendship also means being willing stay with someone for the long haul. Will we stand with people at all times and in all places, especially when they need us the most? Look at Prov. 17:17, 18:24.
Can our friends count on us when they are in need? Will we stand with them and will we stand up for them when they need us, even if it means risking our own name and reputation? In sports this kind of friendship was seen clearly between Jackie Robinson & Pee Wee Reese. Jackie Robinson was the first black American to play major league baseball and in the summer of 1947, his rookie year, there were many ball-players and fans who did not want to see baseball integrated. But Pee Wee Reese was willing to stand up for Jackie Robinson. Reese refused to sign a petition by players saying they wouldn’t play with black athletes and more importantly he literally stood with Jackie Robinson in his time of need. At a game in Cincinnati, Jackie Robinson was taking a great deal of abuse and jeers from the crowd until Pee Wee Reese went out onto the field and draped his arm around Robinson and literally stared down and silenced the crowd.
Jackie Robinson said of that moment, Pee Wee kind of sensed the sort of helpless, dead feeling in me and came over and stood beside me for a while. He didn't say a word, but he looked over at the chaps who were yelling at me and just stared. He was standing by me, I could tell you that.
Years later, Reeese’s wife said, Pee Wee thought nothing of it. For him, it was a simple gesture of friendship. That’s what faithfulness in friendship is all about, standing with someone when they are in need even when it might come at some personal cost.
So developing and deepening friendship requires faithfulness, confidentiality and longevity, but it also calls for forgiveness. Let’s go back to Proverbs 17:9. The reality of life is that if we have friends then at some point in time we will be hurt or offended, it will happen. Our friends will let us down and they will disappoint us, they might break a confidence and show us that they aren’t always worthy of our trust and you know what, we will do the same to them. We may not mean to, it may be unintentional, but we will hurt and disappoint our friends as well. That’s life. There is no friendship without pain because in all relationships we will fall short and at times feelings will get hurt. If we can’t move beyond these failures and cover over an offense, if we can’t learn to forgive one another then we will never now the joy of deep and long lasting friendships.
If you have a friend that has offended you – forgive then. It’s not easy to be the first one to pick up the phone and open the lines of communication, it’s not easy to admit our own failures and shortcomings to those who have offended us, but not only is friendship worth it, it is how God calls us to order our lives. Too many times we allow good friendships to just disappear because we aren’t willing to forgive them or ask them to forgive us. We need forgiveness to be an active part of our lives because we need the friends, its part of God’s plan for our lives.
There is one last proverb I want us to look at and it expands on the idea of how important friends are to the development of our faith. Prov. 27:17. God uses friends to sharpen our lives and he uses friends to deepen and develop our faith. Again, a recent study has shown that people who grow deeper in their faith are more likely to have a spiritual friend or mentor to help them along the way and when I read that I wasn’t surprised because that is what Proverbs 27:17 is all about. God uses the people in our lives, our friends and our brothers and sisters to keep us sharp and growing in our faith. The reality is that just the daily routines of life can cause our faith to become dull, just like the routine use of a lawn mower will dull the blade, so just as a blade needs sharpening, so do we and what sharpens our faith are the friends God places in our lives. Friends are the tools that God uses to keep us moving in the right direction. They challenge us to step up to the plate and live out what we say we believe. Friends help us see the path of wisdom and keep us walking on it. Without friends both the routine living of life and the challenges that we face will wear us down so we need trustworthy friends who will offer us time and space to share our hopes and dreams and fears. We need friends who will forgive us and challenge us to live more faithful lives. We need friends who will love us through and we need to be the kind of friend who will do this for others.
Do we have the kind of friends Proverbs is talking about?
Are we the kind of friends Proverbs is talking about?
Let me say, that friendship on this level doesn’t just happen; it requires us to be intentional and work hard. And friends who can help us deepen and develop our faith aren’t formed by simply coming to worship once a week, the kind of friendship God wants for us takes a commitment to spending time together in prayer, worship, study, service and fellowship. It requires us to share our lives together and eat together and have fun together. It requires us to laugh together and cry together. Developing faith-filled friends takes being willing to get connected with people of faith in small groups and Sunday School and Bible Study and working together in all kinds of service in the church and the world where we can begin to get to know one another and get involved in one another’s lives. This is the kind of friendship God wants for us because God knows how good it is. God knows it is not good for us to be alone so let us work at developing friendships that will fill our lives with faith and love and all the fullness of life.
