As we profess Jesus as our Savior and strive to follow him in our daily lives, walking that narrow road, it is important for us to know what Jesus said and what he didn’t say. For example, Jesus never said, what goes around comes around. Jesus was not one who believed in karma. And Jesus never said that if we followed him, or liked and shared him on facebook, that we would live happily ever after. And he never said, Go and do what makes you happy and be personally fulfilled. And Jesus never said that God wouldn’t give us more than we could handle, in fact, sometimes God allows us to deal with more than we think we can handle to drive us to Him to get more faith and strength.
For the next few weeks we are going to look at some things Jesus never said and what He did say, so that together we can learn how to walk with Jesus into the fullness of life. Today we want to talk specifically about what Jesus said when it comes to forgiving others, because Jesus never said that because someone has hurt us so deeply, and betrayed our trust so completely, that it is ok to hold a grudge and not forgive. I have often heard people say, I just can’t forgive them. And while I understand the painful place in life that thought comes from, it is never affirmed by Jesus.
Here is what Jesus did say about forgiveness. It is a verse you know, probably by heart, and my guess is that you say it often. In fact, we said it earlier today. Matthew 6:12 - Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. This is also interpreted as, forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Or forgive us our sins as we forgiven those who sin against us. Notice that Jesus doesn’t qualify the statement and make an exception for those who have really hurt us. It doesn’t say, forgive us our trespasses as we hold on to that grudge, and it doesn’t say, forgive us our sin and I’ll forgive them when they come begging me to do it.
Jesus calls us to forgive others, and even ties His forgiveness of our sin to our willingness to forgive. Jesus said, If you forgive others when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sin, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:14-15
This isn’t just a difficult teaching for us, the disciples wrestled with it too. They asked, are we really supposed to forgive others, and how many times should we forgive? Again, to make sure His point is clear, Jesus not only said we need to forgive everyone but we need to forgive everyone every time and in every situation. But there are some people right now who are saying, but you don’t know my situation.
One of the difficult realities of life is that there is deep and lasting pain, and hurt, and betrayal that many people have experienced. Abuse by parents, spouses, trusted mentors, and friends can seem impossible to forgive. Being abandoned in a relationship, being cheated out of our life’s savings, being terminated unjustly, or being accused falsely in a way that destroys your life - seem like situations where holding onto a grudge would be justified. How is it possible to forgive when we have been hurt so deeply? How can God ask us to forgive when the pain is so real? Did Jesus really say that we have to forgive all those who have sinned against us?
Yes. He did, but it’s important to remember that forgiveness is not denying the reality of the pain and hurt we have experienced. Forgiveness is not pretending that nothing happened, and it’s not letting the other person off the hook, it is simply letting go of our desire for vengeance. Forgiveness does not minimize the pain we have been through so perhaps the first step in forgiveness is to acknowledge the pain.
The pain, disappointment, and offenses we have gone through in the past are real and need to be addressed. It is important that we be able to name the situations we struggle with and share with God our anger and frustration at how we have been treated. We learned through the message of Habakkuk last month that it is always ok to be honest with God, so it’s ok to be honest about how we have suffered because of the actions of others. It’s ok for us to say to God that it just doesn’t seem right or fair to forgive them. So acknowledge the pain and address the situation. Be honest with God and then seek good counsel and don’t try to process the hurt alone.
As we then step out to forgive, one clue on why God asks us to do this can be found at the beginning of the Lord’s Prayer. The first word, really - Our. Our Father. It’s not my father, but our father. God is not just my father who wants me to feel good no matter what, God is OUR father, the creator of us all. We are all God’s children and God’s greatest desire is for us to love one another and learn to live in harmony with each other.
My parents have said on many occasions that one of the things that brings them great joy in their lives right now is seeing my two sisters and I enjoy being together. We get along well. We work together well, and while we may not have a lot of time to be together - we love and care for one another. We get along. All I can say is that my sisters have matured a lot through the years. (OK, it’s me who has had to mature a lot!)
God is the parent who wants all of his children to get along and live together in peace. God wants us to love one another and the only way to love one another is to learn how to forgive one another. This is so important to God that He actually says, don’t bother coming to me if you have something against your brother or sister. Go make things right with them and then come to me. Yes, Jesus did say this. Matthew 5:23-24.
We often think that it doesn’t hurt anyone else when we hold a grudge and refuse to forgive someone, and honestly, sometimes it just feels good, but the truth is our unwillingness to forgive hurts God. If God’s desire is for us to forgive and love one another, then when we choose not to do that - it breaks the heart of God, but it’s not just God who gets hurt - we do too. While the anger might feel good in the moment, bitterness is a poison that slowly destroys us.
There have been times in my life when I held a grudge against someone and all that time I thought - pretty soon they will be so sorry for what they have done that they will come and ask me to forgive them. Holding the grudge felt good, for a while, but what ended up happening was that I soon realized the other person had no idea that I was even mad at them, which just made me more miserable. They had no idea anything is wrong and I had been walking around stressed and angry!
We are the ones who suffer when we aren’t willing to forgive because that bitter spirit eats away at our heart, and emotions, and even our physical wellbeing. We aren’t living the way God wants us to live and that brokenness impacts everything. Someone once said holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. They don’t, but we do. Slowly but surely we do. So God calls us to forgive because it is His desire and it is for our wellbeing.
But again you might say, you just don’t know my situation, and you’re right, I don’t know your, but I do know what Jesus said, we need to forgive. When we don’t want to forgive or feel like forgiving and when we don’t think we can forgive, what we need to do is pray. Don’t pray for the other person, pray for yourself, and ask God to soften your heart so that you can forgive. Prayer always changes us more than others and when we ask God to change us - God will be at work.
One way God will work to soften our heart will be to open our eyes to all the ways we have been forgiven by God and others, and when we see how that grace and mercy has work in our past, and how it is still at work in us today, it humbles us and leads us to a place where we can say, as you have forgiven me, God, help me forgive others. It really is God’s grace that leads us into a life of grace and mercy.
Andy Stanley: In the shadow of my hurt, forgiveness feels like a decision to reward my enemy. But in the shadow of the cross, forgiveness is merely a gift from one undeserving soul to another.
If we live in the shadow of our hurt, only looking at how we have been wronged and the pain that we are experiencing, then forgiveness doesn’t seem to make sense. It feels like we are letting them off the hook. When we live in the shadow of the cross, however, when we are keenly aware of the grace that God has extended to us and how undeserving we are of that grace and love, forgiving others now becomes a road we can travel. It’s not an easy road by any means, but it is a viable road, and a road that leads to more grace and mercy in our lives.
One last thought on forgiveness, if we can choose to forgive others, if we can choose to pass on God’s grace and love to others, think how much stronger our families would be. Think how much healthier our communities would be, and how much brighter our world would be if we would freely offer grace instead of holding onto a grudge.
Jesus never said, you have suffered so much - you don’t need to forgive them. Jesus did say, forgive and you will be forgiven. Forgive and you will be set free. Forgiveness is part of that narrow road that leads us to the fullness of life.
Next Steps
Things Jesus Never Said - Forgiveness
Read what Jesus DID say about forgiveness:
● Matthew 5:23-24
● Matthew 6:9-15
● Matthew 18:21-22
● Luke 23:31-43
Has there been someone in your life that you have struggled to forgive? What did you learn about forgiveness from that situation? Have you forgiven them?
When we struggle to forgive we need to:
Acknowledge the pain
● What painful situations are you going through where forgiveness seems impossible?
● How are you working through this pain and who is giving you help and support?
Ask in prayer
● Ask God to show you all the ways you have been forgiven by Him and others. Make a list of the times God has forgiven you and use this as a way to understand God’s amazing grace at work in your life.
● Ask God to soften your heart so you desire to forgive others. Prayer often doesn’t change others, but it can change us. Ask God to change your heart.
In the shadow of my hurt, forgiveness feels like a decision to reward my enemy. But in the shadow of the cross, forgiveness is merely a gift from one undeserving soul to another. - Andy Stanley
How are you still living in the shadow of your hurt?
What can you do today to step into the shadow of the cross?
