We want to wish a Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there. None of us would be here today without a mom, and all of us have had our lives shaped by moms as well as women who have stepped into our lives with a mother’s love. We are grateful today for mothers, grandmothers, step-mothers, foster mothers, mothers-in-law, aunts, sisters, friends, mentors, teachers, pastors, and any and all women who have made an impact on our lives. We honor you, we remember you, and we celebrate you today.
If you’re a mom raising young children today, my heart goes out to you because the expectations placed upon you are impossible. The pressure is on for you to have a pinterest worthy home, instagram worthy looks for both you and your family, and you have to post all your activities to fb so relatives and friends can see just how well you are doing it all. This past year you have also had to help home-school your children which means not only helping with math and science, but you had to prepare arts and crafts, teach music, and organize gym class.
Every day you are expected to give baths, read books, sing songs, and pray with your children. You have to take your turn being a homeroom mom at school, and set up elaborate birthday parties for your children at home. A Betty Crocker cake from a box with those premade sugar letters spelling happy birthday don’t cut it anymore. You are also expected to have a career, maintain hobbies, keep in shape, and feed your family healthy and nutritious meals, and for some of you that means organic vegetables or homemade GF bread. Not only do you have to do it all, you have to maintain all kinds of social media accounts to show the world that you are doing it all.
Moms, I’m tired just thinking about it. My heart goes out to you. If you are a working mom, there are times you might feel guilty about not being home with your kids, or maybe you feel guilty about not wanting to be home with your kids. If you are a stay at home mom, you might feel guilty about not contributing financially to your family, or you feel bad about not using the college degree you spent so much time on and that you're still paying off.
It seems like you can’t win. Whether it’s the impossible expectations others place on you, or that you have placed on yourself, the pursuit of being the perfect mom in today’s world never ends and I’m not sure you can ever attain it, but you try.
Many moms and dads are overwhelmed today by trying to be the perfect parent, but the pursuit of perfection is not just limited to parents, many of us wrestle with it. Whether we are trying to live up to our own impossible expectations, or the expectations of others, many of us live our lives striving for perfection, and since we always fall short we either feel guilt, or shame, or unworthiness. Our feelings of inadequacy push us to try harder in order to meet those expectations, and then we fall short again. It really does become a never ending pursuit of perfection that leaves us empty and broken. We are on the proverbial hamster wheel running hard and never making progress.
There are three basic types of perfectionists, the first is called the self oriented perfectionist. This person sets unrealistically high expectations for themselves and when they fail, they battle feelings of guilt. Their obsession over doing things perfectly can also cause them to be ineffective in everything. They will often procrastinate because the need to do things perfectly paralyzes them and keeps them from doing anything. These people often wrestle with constant feelings of inadequacy, which can push them to try harder or quit altogether.
The second type of perfectionist is the externally oriented perfectionist. This person believes that others expect them to be perfect and perform at an exceptionally high level of competence. To cope with this pressure, these people often use self-deprecating humor as a defense. They will make fun of themselves and put themselves down in order to try and lower the expectations others have for them. Trying to live up to the impossible expectations of others can make these people feel alone, depressed, and desperate because they know that they will never measure up.
The third type of perfectionist is the others oriented perfectionist. This person expects everyone around them to live up to their standards. In other words, they expect all those around them to be perfect. These people often lack empathy and ridicule those who don’t measure up.
I don’t know if you heard yourself described just now, but I’ll be honest, I have always been a bit of a perfectionist. I try to live up to the expectations that people have for me as a pastor, and then I also try and live up to the expectations I have for myself as a pastor, as well as a son, a brother, a friend, and a follower of Jesus. I fail at these every day and that failure leads to guilt, and shame, and feelings of inadequacy.
When I first started as a pastor I was much more aware of the expectations others had for me and I tried to do it all and be all things to all people. Every day I realized that I had failed because I could have done more, done things differently, or done things better. Every day I told myself I needed to try harder. It was a dangerous cycle that after a year left me empty and unable to do just about anything. I was feeling alone, inadequate, depressed, and wanting to quit.
While I have learned how to deal with some of these expectations, I still struggle with being a perfectionist, and I have to say that being a follower of Jesus doesn’t make this any easier because Jesus said, be perfect as your heavenly father is perfect. Matthew 5:48. And 1 Peter 1:15 says, Just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do. So not only do I wrestle with living up to my standards and the expectations of others, I now have to be perfect like Jesus and holy like God.
No matter where the expectations come from, one of the reasons we chase perfection is that we feel we have to perform at this high standard, and do all things perfectly, in order to be loved and accepted. We hide our basic insecurities and our need for approval by trying to work harder, and be all things to all people.
We not only think we have to work harder and be perfect for people to love and accept us, but we also think we have to be perfect for God to love and accept us, and as long as that is what we think, we will be chasing perfection forever and always come up empty and broken, but God has given us a way out.
To understand God’s solution to this problem we need to understand how it is that we are made right with God in the first place. Romans 3:20 spells this out for us clearly. Therefore no one will be declared righteous in God’s sight by the works of the law; rather, through the law we become conscious of our sin.
No one is made right with God by what we do. In other words, we cannot be perfect enough for God to accept us on our own. God’s word sets such a high bar of moral and ethical behavior that we cannot attain it, let alone get over it. Whether we are talking about the 10 Commandments, or the 613 laws that the people in Jesus’ day were supposed to follow in order to be holy, we can’t do it. Let’s just look at the 10 Commandments. You shall have no other gods before Me - how are we doing on that? You shall not lie, you shall not covet anything of your neighbors, you shall honor the Sabbath and keep it holy - how are we doing?
I’m not doing so well. We are all sinners, and if you are thinking that you aren’t that bad, then your heart has been deceived because Romans 3 also says, there is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands; there is no one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one.
On our own we don’t measure up to the standards of God. On our own we can’t be perfect, and we can’t gain acceptance by our performance, and we will never be good enough. It’s important for us to come face to face with the reality of our sin because without seeing our sin we will never see our need for a savior.
That is how we are made right with God, not by being perfect but by trusting the one who is, Jesus Christ, our Savior. Romans 3:22, Righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe.
Notice that it does NOT say we are made right with God by amassing a lifetime of good works but by accepting a gift, and that gift is given when we place our faith in Jesus Christ. We are not made right with God, we are not loved and accepted by God, because of our performance, we are made right with God and accepted by God because of God’s mercy and grace. And let’s be clear, it’s not God’s grace AND some of our work. It’s not God’s grace AND trying to be better, it is God’s grace ALONE that saves us, and when we begin to step into this reality, when we step in and walk in God’s grace and love, the pressure to perform and be perfect goes away and there is freedom to live in peace.
Chasing perfection puts all the pressure on us.
Perfection
- All about me
- What I do
- If I obey - God will love me.
- I must win God’s approval
But living under God’s grace takes the pressure off because…
Grace
- All about Jesus
- What Jesus has done
- God loves me - I can obey
- I have God’s approval
If we can live under God’s grace, the pressure is off us to perform. We no longer have to be perfect, but… what about what Jesus said? He said we are to be perfect. Yes, he did, but in many ways Jesus was talking about being perfect in love and not performance. Matthew 5:43-48
You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.
Jesus’ call here is for us to focus on loving others - all others. Jesus was always more interested in loving people than following the rules, in fact, His love for others caused Jesus to break all kinds of rules. He healed on the Sabbath, He touched those sick and unclean, He forgave sinners freely and sent them off to live a new life. Jesus chose love and calls us to choose love as well.
Let me give you one clear example of what this might look like in our day to day lives: choose people over perfection. Too often we miss the moments with family and friends because we are too worried about having the perfect home, or setting the perfect table, or cooking the perfect meal. If you get so stressed out when people come to visit that you can’t enjoy the visit - or the people - you are choosing perfection over people. Jesus tells us the better choice is always to choose people.
The best story that illustrates this comes from Luke 10. Jesus has gone to visit his friends Mary and Martha, and when he arrives, Martha is trying to do everything she can to make the visit perfect. She has cleaned and cooked and is now in the kitchen serving Jesus and his followers. She is striving to make sure everything is perfect and in her pursuit of perfection, she is upset that her sister Mary is not helping her make things perfect. Martha is an internal perfectionist and an others oriented perfectionist and she is doing all she can to make the evening perfect, and into her whirlwind of activity, Jesus says, My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:41-42 (NLT)
Martha was chasing after the perfect evening for Jesus, Mary was loving Jesus. Jesus didn’t care about how clean the house was, or how perfect the meal looked, He was there to spend time with His friends. Don’t sacrifice the relationships with those you love for a false reality of perfection. Things won’t be perfect, so live in God’s love and pursue loving others. Choose people over perfection.
The bottom line is that we often chase perfection in order to be loved and accepted and when it comes to God, we are already loved and accepted. With faith in Jesus, we have already been made right with God by God’s grace and there is nothing more we can do or need to do. Today, Jesus is calling us to choose the perfect love of God over the perfectionism we often strive for. There is not one thing you can do today to make God love you more. There is no work you can do that will help God accept you more. The pressure is off - we don’t need to perform - we need to step into God’s love and be set free. We need to step into God’s love and learn how to really love others. Stop chasing perfection and step into the full embrace of God’s perfect love.
Next Steps
Chasing Perfection
What situations bring out your inner perfectionist?
There are three types of perfectionism: self-oriented, externally-oriented, and others-oriented. When was the last time you struggled with one of these kinds of perfectionism? How did the struggle make you feel?
In what ways might perfectionism mask insecurity? How have you seen this play out in your own life?
Read Romans 3:20-22.
Why might it be difficult to accept that we are perfected not through our own efforts, but through our faith in Christ?
How can we focus on Christ and the work He’s doing in our lives rather than on our desire to make ourselves better on our own?
How can accepting God’s grace set us free to live in peace?
Read Luke 10:38-42.
How was Martha’s perfectionism keeping her from Jesus? When has it kept you from Jesus?
How can we prioritize loving others over chasing perfection this week?
Dig Deeper:
Read Matthew 5:43-48.
Do you think Jesus is talking about perfect performance and actions or perfect love?
What do you think perfect love looks like in our lives?
How can God’s perfect love cast out our fear and insecurities so we can love more completely?
