Soul Detox ~ Toxic Words

To help us understand the importance of this new sermon series we need to understand something about frogs.  

Yes frogs.  If you place a frog into a kettle of boiling water it will immediately jump out because it recognizes that the environment is hostile and life threatening.  

If you take that same frog and place him in a kettle of room temperature water it will stay there and be quite content. 

If you place that kettle on the stove and turn the heat on low and then slowly, very slowly, turn the heat up - the frog will continue to remain in the kettle quite content until he is quite dead.  The problem is that the frog never feels his environment around him, the water, changing and becoming hostile so he never works to get out.  This is what is happening with us. 

We are the frogs living in the kettle and the culture in which we live is the water.  We know that our culture has changed and not for the better, the stove has been turned on, but the heat is rising so slowly, changes are taking place so slowly that we have grown content with the way things are.  As we see changes that we may not like we say, “it’s just a generational thing”, “it’s just how kids are today.”  “There is nothing we can do to change this so we might as well go along with it.”  With this attitude, over the last 50 years we have gone from this...

Elvis on the Ed Sullivan Show

 to this...

This is a picture of Miley Cyrus twerking on TV but the picture was so vulgar and inappropriate that this was all I could show you.  The water around us is boiling, the environment is hostile to our and faith and our lives, but we have grown used to is so we don’t do anything about it.  In his book Soul Detox, Craig Groeschel says,

We know something doesn’t feel quite right.  We are not growing closer to God and following Christ the way we would like, but we can’t put our finger on it.  Even though we believe in God and want to please him, we find it hard to serve him passionately and consistently.  We want to move forward spiritually but feel like we’re running against the wind.  We want more – we know there’s more – but we just can’t seem to find it. 

If this sounds like where you are living today, if you take one step forward in your faith only to fall two steps back a week later, you are not alone.  Most of us feel this way.  Instead of moving closer to God we often feel ourselves moving farther away from God and we know that the world in which we live is not helping, but we aren’t quite sure what to do about it.  Because we live in such a toxic environment, I am excited and hopeful about this sermon series because the goal of this series is to help us identify the hot water and learn how to jump out.  For the next six weeks we are going to explore how toxic fears, relationships, beliefs, our culture and unhealthy comparisons we make in life hold us back from experiencing more of our faith and more of the life God wants for us and then we will look at some biblical and practical ways to come clean.  Today, we are going to start by looking at how toxic words are slowly tearing us down and what we can do about them. 

There is a well meaning phrase that we used to teach children because we thought it helped overcome negative words and name calling, but it is a statement that is fundamentally untrue.  You know the phrase, it begins, sticks and stones may break my bones… (but names can never hurt me).  Now we all know this is not true.  Names hurt and if names and hurtful words are said over and over and over again, they not only tear us down but they shape the way we see ourselves and begin to define we are. 

For many years as I was growing up, this is what I heard, fatty, fatty 2 X 4, can’t fit through the bathroom door.  I heard that and many other names because I was overweight.  I was picked last for every team in gym class and overall bullied and teased about being fat.  Those words have shaped my life.  People don’t understand me when I say this, but I still think of myself and see myself as being fat.  While I have spent 35 of my 50 years not being overweight, because the first 15 years I was and heard about it almost daily – it has fundamentally shaped how I perceive myself. 

Words and names have power, the Bible makes this clear.  Look at  Proverbs 18:21, 12:18, 15:4,

Words have power.  The best example of this is the story of creation.  What was it that created the world?  It was the word of God.  God spoke and it happened.  God said, let there be light and it happened; there was light.  God spoke and the worlds came into being.  God spoke and we came into being.  God’s word has power and our words have power.  Our words have the power to create life – maybe not the way God’s did, but we have the power to create life in ourselves and others, but our words also have the power to wound and destroy.  Our words have the power to lift up or tear down.  Our words can bring health or sickness, joy or sorrow, peace or war, life or death. 

What kind of words do you remember hearing in your life?  Can you remember the words that have brought you joy, health or life?  My guess is that you may have a hard time thinking of those words, but you can quickly and easily remember the words that tore you down.  What’s sad is that we can remember the harsh, critical and unkind words more than the good ones.  I can still remember where I was on the playground outside Lily B. Haynes Elementary school when I was teased for being overweight, but I don’t remember where or when teachers told me I was doing a good job.  I know they probably did and I’m sure those words helped, but I don’t remember them.  I read once that for every one negative or critical word we receive it takes six positive words to balance it out.  All this tells us that negative words hurt more and go deeper and last longer than positive words and yet think about our culture – it is filled almost exclusively with negative words. 

Watch just about any news station and you hear people talking over one another about our world’s problems and many of their words are spoken to tear down their opponents.  Even in the midst of the Naval Yard shooting this week, politicians on both sides were speaking negatively about one another.  At a time when we should have been coming together as one nation and building each other up as a community, our words were still tearing others apart.  This is the culture we live in.  Whether it is in school, sports or politics, this is the culture we live in, too many of our words tear others apart and no where do we see this more clearly than in social media. 

A number of years ago I joined twitter, but I am not there anymore.  First of all, being a preacher, you all know that there is no way I can say anything in less than 140 words let alone 140 characters.  But the real reason I didn’t stay on twitter was because most of what I saw and read was not just negative but vicious and I just didn’t like filling my mind with those thoughts, attitudes and words.  People feel free to use words on social media that they would never use publicly and those words have consequences in our culture.  Just this week there were 2 stories about the vicious words on twitter when a college professor and a political leader both called for the death of their opponents children.  While one has apologized for his remarks, those words are still out there and the other person has refused to apologize and even stands by what he has said.  These words are shaping who we are and who we are becoming.  They are shaping our culture and they are destroying us. 

While we can’t control what other people say, we can control what we say and we can control what we choose to listen to.  If we want to come clean and begin to rid ourselves of toxic words and the power of toxic words in our lives then we start by choosing what we will listen to and what we will believe about the words we hear. 

When I was a new pastor in Altoona, we made some changes that upset a few people and they made sure I heard about it.  One of the men who was unhappy wrote me a letter and told me I was doing the work of the devil.  Another man told me I was going to destroy the church.  A Sunday School teacher kick me off his property with a few choice words.  I’ll be honest, those words hurt.  They hurt a lot, but a very wise pastor who had been down this same road himself told me that I had to choose what I was going to believe about myself.  So I spent some time thinking about it and I realized that I was not doing the work of the devil and what I was trying to do was not destroy the church but help build the church and prepare it for the future.  I was trying my best to be faithful to the mission of Jesus.  My family, friends and other leaders affirmed all of this with me so I was able to let go of the lies others were saying about me and hold on to the truth. 

We can not control what other people say and what they say about us, but we can control what we choose to listen to and believe.  There comes a time when we have to evaluate the words of others and decide if they are truth or trash, to help us with that there is actually an app called truth or trash.  It shares some statements we often hear and asks us if we think these words are truth or trash.  There is one statement I read on the app which said, you are powerless.  Now the truth is that we might feel powerless a lot of the time, but that statement is trash because the Bible says we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us, so if those words come into our head, or if we hear them from others, we need to reject them.   

Not only do we need to hold on to the positive words said about us and get rid of the negative, but we need make sure that we concentrate on saying positive words.  Look at Ephesians 4:29.  Every word has power which is why God tells us that every word we say needs to be positive, faith-filled and something that lifts others up.  Think how much better your marriage might be if every day you said only positive things about your spouse.  How much stronger would our children would be if we only said things that built them up and inspired them.  Think about what a better place our schools would be if student’s only said kind and inspiring words about their class mates.  Think how much better our work force would be if employers spent more time encouraging their workers instead of criticizing them and think about how much different our nation would be if in politics we found ways to encourage each other even when we disagree.

Now I know you are thinking that sounds great, but it will never happen, well it won’t unless we commit ourselves to beginning to make it happen.  Most of us think of many positive things we could say about people during the course of a day, but we just don’t say them.  I want to encourage all of us this week to say them.  If you see someone doing a good job – tell them.  If you are proud of your kids – tell them.  If you appreciate your parents – tell them.  If you value your friends, like your teacher, appreciate your elected officials – tell them!  If God had just thought about creating the heavens and the earth and never said a word, we wouldn’t be here, but God spoke.  God’s word was shared and it created life.  Our positive words when spoken can bring life.  So if you think something positive and good – share it.  If you think something negative, harsh and critical – keep silent. What did our parents tech us?  If you don’t have anything nice to say… (or again, Ephesians. 4:29)

Not only do we need to think about words said to us and words we say to others but we also need to think about the words we say to ourselves.  Too often the running commentary in our own hearts and minds is negative and critical.  I’ll never measure up.  I’m not good enough.  I can’t do this.  We need to change those words and fill our minds and hearts with positive faith-filled words that will shape our lives.  I think David did this when he fought Goliath.  David knew that the odds were against him when he went out to fight Goliath.  In fact, many people told him that.  Goliath told him that.  Goliath taunted David and bullied him and cut him down with insults but David not only rejected those words, he filled his heart and head with positive words.  Look at 1 Samuel 17:45-48, while these words were spoken by David to Goliath, I wonder if they were really spoken by David for David.  I think he needed to hear this about himself. Those words made a difference. 

We all need to hear positive words about ourselves and sometimes we need to say those words out loud, or write them down so we can see them in order to believe them.  Craig Groeschel tells a story about man who was struggling with depression and Craig really didn’t know how to help him.  He finally told the man that before he could leave his office he had to came up with 100 positive things to say about himself.  The man resisted, as most of us would, but Craig insisted so finally the man gave in and said, Ok, I am a good writer, which he was, so Craig put that on the top of the list.  Then the man said, I am funny, which he was, so Craig added that to the list.  Then the man quickly said, people say I look like Robert Redford – which was not at all true so Craig smiled at him and wrote down – you are very funny – at which point the man smiled.  They kept going until they filled several pages of paper with 100 positive things.  Craig gave the list to the man and he left. 

About a decade later the man saw Craig and he was so excited to introduce Craig to his wife and son.  His life had completely turned around.  As they were talking the man opened up his wallet and pulled out several worn pieces of paper and handed them to Craig.  It was the list of 100 positive things about himself and he told Craig, I don’t need this anymore because God has written all of these and 100’s more on my heart. 

Negative words tear down and destroy but positive words really do build us up and bring life.  We need to write these words about ourselves, we need say them to ourselves, at times out loud, so that they get written on our hearts and we need to start saying these positive things about others.  While we live in a world full of toxic words, we can make the choice today to come clean and “let no unwholesome words come out of our mouths but only what is helpful for building others up.”  It is a choice we can make today and it is a choice we can make every day.  The right choice brings life.  The right choice brings faith and the right choice begins to turn our culture and world around. 

Next Steps

Soul Detox ~ Toxic Words

Write down 100 positive words that define who you are.

 Write down 25 positive things about 2 people you know and share these words with them.

Forgiving Families

Today we finish our look at forgiveness by looking at forgiveness within the context of our families.  How do we forgive our parents or children and how do we offer and receive forgiveness from our brothers and sisters.  It’s important to consider forgiveness in these relationships because these are often the most formative and most difficult relationships in our lives.  Our lives are shaped by our parents and families and even when these relationships are positive and nurturing, forgiveness can be difficult, but when families are broken and dysfunctional, forgiveness can seem impossible and without forgiveness we end up carrying around deep pain for years.  Now forgiveness may not always mean that relationships with our parents, children or siblings can be reconciled and restored but if we are able to let go of our bitterness and anger then at least we can experience a measure of freedom and wholeness that will open up our hearts and lives to a better and healthier future.  

To help us think about forgiveness in the midst of our families we are going to look at the very first time the word forgiveness appears in the Bible because it appears in the midst of a story about one very dysfunctional family, the family of Joseph.  Joseph was the son of Jacob and Rachael and had 11 older brothers, half brothers really because Jacob had children with his two wives and their maidservants. Joseph had a total of 13 sons to 4 women!  To make matters worse, Jacob did not love his children equally, he loved Joseph more than all the rest and he was pretty clear about making this known by giving Joseph alone a beautiful multicolored robe.  That robe became a symbol of Jacob’s love and a source or great anger and resentment for Joseph’s brothers.  This family was filled with jealousy, bitterness and sibling rivalry which was all brought on by the parents, but we can’t really blame Jacob for this because that was how he was raised.

If you remember the story of Jacob, he was the son of Isaac and Rebecca who had two sons, twins actually, Esau and Jacob.  Growing up Isaac favored Esau while Rebecca favored Jacob and both boys knew this.  The sibling rivalry drove Jacob to deceive his father and steal the birthright from his brother all with his mother’s blessing.  As we can see, this family was also filled with jealousy, bitterness and sibling rivalry encouraged by the parents.  Sound familiar?  But in some way we can’t blame Isaac because he learned all this from his parents. 

Isaac was the son of Abraham and Sarah and he had an older brother Ishmael who was Abraham’s first child to Sarah’s servant, Hagar.  If you remember that story, Abraham and Sarah were told by God they were going to have a son but when that son didn’t come quickly enough they took matters into their own hands and Abraham had a child with Hagar.  When Sarah finally did have a son, she became so jealous of Hagar and Ishmael that she sent them away.  God had them return, but there was strife, conflict and jealous that remained part of that family and shaped Isaac’s life, which shaped the life of his son Jacob which in turn shaped the life of his family, his 13 sons which included Joseph.   

One of the things we see here is that without forgiveness and grace restoring relationships, we continue to pass on to future generations our pain and problems which means it is important for us to learn how to forgive those in our family.  The other thing that is important to remember as we look at Joseph’s family tree is that these were the people God chose as his own.  God did not choose perfect people and perfect families.  God chose very ordinary people who were all part of broken families and he worked in them, with them and through them – which means God is more than willing and able to work in and through us.  Just because we may not come from the perfect family doesn’t mean God is not able to do something significant in and with our lives, but if we are going to move forward in life and faith we need to learn how to forgive.

So now let’s go back to Joseph’s life.  When Joseph was young he knew he was his father’s favorite and all his brothers knew he was his father’s favorite.  Instead of trying to build good relationships with his brothers by being humble and kind, Joseph announced to his brothers that he had a dream where they were all going to bow down before him.  As you can imagine, this did not go over well.  When Joseph kept going on and on about how he was going to rise up as the greatest among his brother’s they had finally had enough so one day decided to kill him.  The anger and resentment in this family had boiled over and it took control of the hearts and minds of Joseph’s brothers.

Instead of killing Joseph, they decided that a better idea was to sell him to group of slave traders who were travelling through the area and then tell their father that Joseph had been torn apart my some wild animals.  So they took Joseph’s beautiful coat, ripped it into pieces, covered it in blood and told his father that his favorite son had been killed.  The brothers spent years watching their father mourn for his favorite son while they kept the secret that he was really alive and living as a slave.  Think about what that must have done to the brothers.  There must have been guilt for what they had done and pain watching their father grieve, but also anger at Joseph for in their minds he caused all this to happen and disappointment that their Dad still didn’t love them as much he loved Joseph.  There is a lot of pain and brokenness here.  There is anger, jealousy, resentment, disappointment, plotting against a brother, keeping painful secrets from a father – lots of stones getting throne about here into everyone’s backpack. 

If you have been with us the last few weeks we have been talking about sin and the pain we cause one another in relationships by using the analogy of rocks and a backpack.  The backpack is our heart and soul, it is the totality of our lives and the stones are the sins that we commit against others.  Some sins are small and we need to learn to just let these go.  If we don’t let them go then they will build up in us over the years and may not cause the other person any grief but it will weigh us down in life. 

The medium sized rocks are larger sins that often require both repentance and forgiveness to overcome.  These are things we might intentionally say or do to belittle or hurt someone and when we do this it is like throwing a stone in their backpack.  For Joseph and his brothers this might be reminding your brothers that you are the favorite and that you are going to become a great leader that all the rest will bow down to someday.  To remove these stones we might need to go and apologize to the person we have offended and work to take the stone out of their backpacks.  When we apologize we need to be acknowledge of what we have done, feel genuine remorse, confess our actions and work to change. 

Now if the stones have been placed in our backpacks, if we are the ones who have been offended then we need to learn how to offer forgiveness to others.  Even if the one who hurt us never comes to apologize, we need to at least forgive them from our heart so we aren’t poisoning our own lives.  Remember, holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die, so we need to learn to forgive and this means S.P.A.R.ing with them.  Not fighting but:

Seeking to understand who they are,

Praying for them,

Assuming the best in them, and

Remembering our own sin so that we see things in context.

All of this helps us ask for and offer forgiveness but then there are big stones that really take time, energy and effort to overcome.  In Joseph’s story this might be his brothers selling him into slavery or lying to their father about Joseph being dead.  If people come to us to repent it can help us offer forgiveness, but if they don’t we still need to work through this pain and let go of our anger. 

In families today, these stones look like years of verbal abuse and being put down by a parent.  Or it might be physical or sexual abuse by a relative or it might simply be knowing that you are not the favored child, which is what Joseph’s brothers faced.  These stones can hurt and weigh us down and they often require some help in letting them go.  Sometimes we find that help in a therapist or counselor and if ever there was a family that needed some counseling it was Joseph’s family.  Sometimes we find help to learn how to forgive in support groups or small groups and sometimes we can find it in someone who just knows what we are going through. 

Take a look at this clip from the movie Grid Iron Gang. 

What is portrayed so powerfully here is that the coach was still learning how to forgive his dad.  Forgiveness for a lifetime of hurt within our families doesn’t happen overnight, but it can happen and when we learn how to forgive and let go then we can help others learn to forgive and let go.  This is the power of support groups and small groups.  When we share our experiences with one another we are teaching them and showing them how to forgive.  Our lives become the road map for others to follow and it gives them hope that they might be able to come to a place of healing and wholeness themselves.  But sharing our experiences does more than help others, it helps us.  Just like in the movie, when we reach out to help others forgive we find more healing and hope ourselves.  When we help others forgive we continue our own journey of forgiveness. 

Other ways we can begin to work through the pain and hurt within our families is to confront the situation with the person.  It might be having a heart to heart talk with a parent or child and sharing the hurt we have experienced or confessing the pain we know we have inflicted upon a brother or sister.  We can write a letter to someone and put into words all the hurt and pain we feel or feel we have caused.  Even if the other person has died, we can still write that letter and allow the words we write be part of the healing process and our journey of letting go.  We can also pray.  People have found that praying the Lord’s Prayer over and over again helps but we have to focus on what we are saying: Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.  Prayer can really shape us and help us forgive. 

Some people have also found that the most helpful part of the journey of forgiveness is looking at the painful situation we have gone through and realizing that God can redeem it and turn it into something good.  A good friend of mine grew up in a very dysfunctional home.  Her mother was an alcoholic who often ended up in the hospital because of her drinking.  One day when Linda got home from school the ambulance was there and they were taking her mother out on a stretcher.  When she saw Linda, she grabbed her hand and said you are coming with me.  Linda went to the hospital with her mother where her mother eventually died.

A few years later Linda’s family visited her at her summer job in Yellowstone and on their way home to Illinois, her father and three sisters were in a car accident.  One sister was killed, one received severe and permanent injuries to her leg and her father remained in a coma for weeks.  At 19 years old Linda had to plan her sister’s funeral and make sure it was all videotaped for her father to see if he got out of a coma.  This trauma caused Linda to make some poor choices and she ended up in some legal trouble, but through it all she kept turning to God.  She didn’t allow bitterness, anger and resentment get the best of her, she simply kept trusting God.  In time, Linda learned to forgive herself and others and her journey brought her to a place where she now helps others. 

Linda became a Christian counselor who specialized in working with youth and families.  She helps young people and families work through the dysfunction of alcoholism and addictions and she helps them work through the grief and pain of loss.  Linda has worked with people struggling with the lingering effects of low self esteem and self worth.  While Linda could have held on to all her pain and anger – she allow God to actually redeem it all and turn it into something good in her life and in the life of others. 

And now this brings us back to Joseph’s story.  After Joseph had been sold into slavery he suffered unjustly for years.  He was falsely accused of rape and ended up in jail, but instead of getting angry at God he simply asked God to continue to be a part of his life.  I’d like to think that Joseph prayed something like this, God I can’t change my past.  I can’t change what has happened to me, but you can shape my future.  I don’t know if Joseph prayed this, I don’t know if Linda prayed these words, but I know God did exactly this in their lives.  God redeemed them and used them. 

Joseph not only rose to leadership in the nation of Egypt but his plan to stockpile grain helped keep Egypt and all the surrounding nations alive during years of drought and it was during this time of drought that his brothers finally ended up back in Joseph’s life.  Needing food, Jacob sent his sons to Egypt to buy some grain and to do this they had to go to Joseph.  Joseph’s dream had come true, his brothers were bowing down before him, but instead of being angry or arrogant or proud, Joseph had learned how to give his past to God so he could now forgive.  Not only did he forgive his brothers, Joseph said that all that had happened to him had prepared him to reach out and bless his family, which is where we pick it up the story in Genesis 50:15-21.

While Joseph’s brothers had intended to harm him, God used it for something good.  We don’t always see this when we are going through the difficult times, but if we can learn to forgive and trust God, in time we might see the larger plan God has for us and all the ways God can bless us and use us.  The apostle Paul said that God works for the good in all things for those who love Christ Jesus.  But God can’t do this, God can’t work for the good in our lives, if we are weighed down by un-forgiveness. So today we have a choice, we can hold on to these rocks and keep carrying them around in our hearts and souls, or we can let them go or let God take them away or slowly chip them away until we can let them go so that we can begin to experience all the fullness of life.  So today, the choice is ours, we can hold on and carry these rocks or we can turn and cling to this one. 

Next Steps

Forgiveness in Families

1.  Dig deeper into the story of Joseph.  See Genesis 37 – 50

·         In what ways did Joseph sin against his brothers?

·         How did Joseph show humility toward his brothers?

·         How did the brothers seek Joseph’s forgiveness?

·         How did Joseph offer his brother’s forgiveness?

·         What events during Joseph’s life helped him forgive his brothers?

·         What one practical lesson about forgiveness in the family can you learn from the life of Joseph?

2. Who in your family do you struggle to forgive?  Spend some time S.P.A.R.ing with them. 

·         Seek to understand them. 

·         Pray for them. 

·         Assume the best in them.

·         Remember your own sins. 

3. Now ask yourself if their sin against you is small, medium or large?

·         If it is small, can you let it go? 

·         If it is medium, can you approach them and begin a journey of forgiveness? 

·         If it is large, can you invite others to help you learn what forgiveness might look like?

Forgiving Others

Matthew 18:21-22.  When we hear this teaching of Jesus, the thing we tend to focus on is the numbers.  How often am I supposed to forgive?  Do I need to forgive people 7 times, or is it 70 times, or 77 times, or 70 x 70 times?  Just how many times does Jesus say I have to forgive someone?  Instead of trying to pin Jesus down to a number, let’s ask another question.  Why does Jesus tell us we need to forgive?  Why do we need to forgive people when they offend us, hurt us and throw rocks in our backpacks?  The answer is actually pretty simple.  We forgive because it is in our physical, emotional and spiritual well being to forgive. 

When we withhold our forgiveness, in other words, when he hold on to a grudge, it negatively effects every part of our lives.  On a physical level, when we choose not to forgive it allows bitterness and resentment to take over which increases stress which in turn can lead to high blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes and many other illnesses.  I found this really interesting; the Cancer Treatment Centers of America offer a forgiveness education program to help patients explore the healing power of forgiveness during cancer care.  Forgiveness can help bring healing and help us feel better physically, but it can also help us emotionally.  Bitterness and resentment often lead to depression, increased anxiety, anger and social disorders.  Our inability to forgive takes a huge toll on us emotional which not only causes us to suffer but it strains every relationship we have.  We may think that the only relationship that suffers is the one with the person who has offended us, but that is not true.  When we are unwilling to forgive, bitterness and anger spills over into every other relationship in our lives – including our relationship with God. 

On a spiritual level, not being willing to forgive others has a huge effect on us because it breaks down our ability to connect with God.  Earlier in Matthew, Jesus said that if we are not willing to forgive others than God is not willing to forgive us.  Matthew 6:15.  Without God’s forgiveness and grace flowing into our lives, our spiritual lives stop growing and begins to decline.  The longer we hold that grudge the farther away from God we move.   

Over time, an unforgiving spirit not only poisons every relationship but every part of our lives.  It destroys us.  This week Paul Neff shared with me a saying that maybe you have heard, he said, holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.  We think not forgiving someone will not have any negative effect on us but hurt the other person but the truth is that many times the other person doesn’t even know we are holding a grudge so they are fine, but we are the ones slowly dying because of the stress, depression and spiritual isolation that our un-forgiveness creates. 

So we need to stop thinking about how often we need to forgive others and remember why Jesus tells us to forgive.  We need to forgive because it is the only way we will be healthy in body, mind and spirit.  Last week we talked about the steps needed in asking others to forgive us and they were to acknowledge our sin, feel genuine remorse, confess to God and others what we have done and work to change.  This is a helpful process in asking for forgiveness but what helps us offer it. 

If you are struggling to forgive someone, think about sparing with them.  No, I don’t mean getting into a boxing ring and going a few rounds, although sometimes that might sound like a good idea.  What I mean is to S.P.A.R with them.  First Seek to understand.  What is it that shapes the other person’s heart and life.  Many people hurt or offend others because there is some unresolved hurt or pain in their lives.  Maybe their childhood was filled with abuse or loss.  Maybe they were bullied through school so have learned that the only way to treat others is to bully them.  Many times there are clear reasons why people have hurt us and when we seek to understand them it opens the door to forgiveness. 

The second thing we can do is Pray for the person.  We don’t pray for their destruction or downfall and we don’t pray that they come to their senses and apologize to us, we pray for their heart and soul.  We pray that God heals their spirits and blesses their lives in some way that restores relationships.  We also might need to pray to understand them better and pray that God opens our hearts to forgiveness regardless of what the other person does. 

When I was in Altoona there was a member of the congregation who hurt and offended many people in the church.  To put it simply, he was a bully and many of us struggled to forgive him.  One day as I was struggling to pray for this man, I decided to go and sit in his pew.  He always sat in the same spot so I went and spent some time sitting in his seat trying to understand him.  I actually opened the hymnal he would use and prayed that the words of the hymns would speak to his heart and life.  Physically sitting in his seat helped me pray for him.  I’m not sure it changed him at all, but it changed me.  If there is someone you are struggling to forgive, then when no is around find a way to sit in their seat and pray for them.  Maybe it means taking a walk by their house, sitting at their desk after work, or in their room or their chair at home.  If you have never done something like this, it can be powerful and help change our hearts and lives so we can begin to forgive others.

Something else we can do to help us learn how to forgive others is to Assume the best in them.  Most of the time when we feel hurt or offended our first reaction is to get defensive and assume the worst in them.  We assume they intended to hurt us and maybe even planned and plotted to harm us.  Those assumptions poison our heart and life and many times they may not even be true.  So instead of assuming the worst in others, assume the best.  Assume they were having a bad day when they were short.  Assume they were not feeling well or were stressed over some other issue when they lashed out.   When we assume the best in people it helps us see them in a different light.  It helps us see not only their value and worth but it helps us see them as children of God who also need support and love.  Assuming the best can defuse a difficult situation and open the door to forgiveness. 

Now if all of that doesn’t work, the last thing we can do is Remember our own sin.   When we stop and remember all the things we have done wrong and all the times we have offended others and all the ways God has forgiven us and others have forgiven us, it begins to change our perspective.  Jesus tells a story that illustrates this point in Matthew 18:23-33.  The problem with the servant who was unwilling to forgive was that he had forgotten all that he had been forgiven of.  When we remember our own sin and all the ways that other people forgive our offenses and failures it helps us offer forgiveness and grace to others. 

So if we are struggling to forgive someone, we need to SPAR with them.  We need to seek to understand them, pray for them, assume the best in them and remember our own sins and how often we have been forgiven.  Now sometime our struggle to forgive others comes from questions we have about forgiveness, so let’s address some of those questions.  The first one is:  When we forgive others are we condoning their sin?

Does forgiveness mean that we are saying their sin or offenses are not that bad – or not bad at all.  Clearly the answer to this is no.  Forgiveness is not approving of people’s words or actions it is letting go of our right to seek retribution and revenge.  God’s forgiveness of us doesn’t mean that God approves of what we have done, I think our sin causes God real hurt and pain, but God chooses to let go of his right to seek revenge.  It is important for us to make sure we say to ourselves that the offense we have experienced is real and that many times it causes genuine pain and hurt and that forgiveness doesn’t excuse their behavior, we are just making the choice to let it go and not seek retaliation. 

Another question people often ask is:  Does forgiveness mean that there will be no consequences or punishment for wrong doing? 

Let me answer that with a story I have shared before.  When I was in Junior High School I came home after school and realized that I had forgotten my house key.  My sister and I got the ladder out of the garage, climbed in an open window on the second floor, put the ladder away and chose not to say anything about it to our parents, not even when we were asked if we moved the ladder.  In time we did confess to our parents that we moved the ladder, but not until we had already lied about it.  Now my parents forgave me, but I was still grounded for a week.  Forgiveness didn’t mean that there were no consequences to my lying.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean that we excuse people’s actions and behaviors it just means that we let go of the anger and resentment toward others. 

For me this is helpful when I think about some of the situations we have seen in the news recently.  For example, in Oklahoma, we can talk about forgiveness for the teenagers who shot Christopher Lane, the Australian college student, but that doesn’t mean that there will be no trial and no punishment for their actions.  There needs to be.  Our world needs clear boundaries and clear consequences when those boundaries are crossed or broken, but we don’t have to hold on to our anger.  Seeking justice doesn’t mean seeking revenge. 

This week is the 12^th Anniversary of 9/11 and as a nation we have to deal with this same thing.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean that there are no consequences for those who planned this terrorist attack.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean we let them go free, but we can let go of our anger and any desire we have to see the complete destruction of those who have harmed us.  This doesn’t come easily or quickly – but as we seek to understand and pray – our hearts and minds can change. 

A third question many people ask is:  Are we supposed to forgive people even when they don’t ask for it? 

To answer this question, let’s look at Jesus.  When he was hanging on the cross he looked out and said, Father forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing.  Jesus forgave the Roman soldiers who nailed him to the cross.  Jesus forgave his disciples who had failed him; the religious leaders who had given him an unjust trial and the crowd that turned again him.  Jesus forgave all those gathered there that day before anyone asked.  So, yes, we need to learn to forgive people before they ask for it. 

The truth is that we need to learn to forgive people whether they ask for us to forgive them or not because if we don’t we continue to poison our hearts and lives.  But there is another reason we should forgive others before they ask, sometimes it is our forgiveness that can bring them to a place of repentance.  When Jesus offered forgiveness from the cross there was a Roman soldier who heard this and said, Surely this man was the son of God.  That soldier saw what Jesus did and it made a difference in his heart and life, it brought him to a place of faith and trust.  When we offer forgiveness before others ask or even know they need it, it can change their hearts and lives as well.  But just a thought here, don’t make a show of that forgiveness and offer it in an attitude of pride.  It is better to simply treat the person who has offended or hurt us with grace and love.  Jesus taught us this principle when he said in Matthew 5:44, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.  And the apostle Paul said, do not be overcome with evil but overcome evil with good. 

So this leads us to our last question: How can we forgive our enemies? 

The last couple of weeks as we have been talking about our sin and our offenses toward one another we have used the analogy of rocks and some of our sins are small and need to be let go of.  Other sins are medium sized and need to be worked through as we ask for and offer forgiveness and some sins large and even very large and need a lot of time, work love and grace for there to be any forgiveness and any hope or possibility of reconciliation.  But what happens when the rock is this sized?  

This rock is impossible to move and there are times when forgiving our enemies seem impossible. 

I mentioned Christopher Lane earlier; he was the Australian college student who was shot in cold blood for no apparent reason.  I can imagine that his parents are dealing with this kind of rock.  Those who lost loved ones in the Fort Hood shooting might be dealing with this kind of rock.  The women held captive for 10 years by a man in Ohio are dealing with this kind of rock and at times it must seem impossible to forgive such horrific sins. 

I’m not sure that SPARing with people will help in these situations because sometimes there is no way to understand why people do such evil things and at times there is no way to assume the best in people who commit such evil acts and remembering our sins in light of such horrific events really might not help – so what does help?  In this situation I think there is just one thing that can help us begin to remove the rock and that is the power of God.  When faced with seemingly impossible situations Jesus said, with mortals it is impossible, but with God all things are possible, and the apostle Paul said, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  

So forgiveness is possible but only through the power of God.  Forgiveness is possible but only because God gives us the ability and strength to slowly let go of our anger and resentment toward others and begin to feel free.  Now the reason God helps us forgive isn’t always because God wants the other person forgiven, it is because God wants us to be healthy and strong in both body, mind and spirit and that only comes when we are willing to forgive.  So if you are facing this kind of a rock in your life – ask God to slowly break it down and break it apart so you can let it go.  It takes time, but if we ask to God to help, I believe God slowly starts to break the rock apart.  

And these we can begin to let go of. 

If you want to see what this kind of impossible forgiveness looks like in real life, then I would encourage you to read stories of people who have offered this kind of impossible forgiveness.  One suggestion is the book Unbroken which is the story of Louie Zemporini who was held prisoner during WWII and worked through a long journey of forgiving his captors who tortured him.  The other book which is also in our church library is called Amish Grace and it is the story of the shooting in Nickel Mines, PA, where in 2006 a gunman killed 5 girls at an Amish school.  The community showed their forgiveness of the shooter by reaching out to care for his wife and family.  Those stories show us that this kind of forgiveness is possible but we cannot do it alone.  This kind of forgiveness calls for the power of God to step in and give us strength and power. 

Forgiving others is not easy and it does not always come quickly, but it is important if we not only want to be healthy in body, mind and spirit, but if we want healthy relationships with God and every other person in our lives.  So let us forgive others just as God in Christ Jesus, has forgiven us. 

Next Steps

Forgiving Others

1.  Name those people you are struggling to forgive. 

·         Acknowledge that what they have done has hurt you. 

·         Ask God to help you begin a process of forgiveness.

2.  As you seek to forgive these people, S.P.A.R. with them.

·         Seek to understand what has shaped their lives.

·         Pray for them.

·         Assume the best in them.

·         Remember your own sin.

3.  Forgiving our enemies seems like the impossible rock to let go of.  Memorize and repeat these 2 passages:

·         I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.  Philippians 4:13

·         With God, all things are possible.  Matthew 19:26

4.  To learn how to offer “impossible” forgiveness, read stories of those who have offered it:   

·         Unbroken , by Laura Hillenbrand

·         Amish Grace, by Donald Kraybil, et al.

Forgiveness in Marriage

This week we continue our look at forgiveness by looking at what it means to both ask for and offer forgiveness in our most personal, committed and intimate relationships.  For many people this will be the relationship with a husband or wife in the covenant of marriage, but for those who are not married, this can be a life-long relationship with a friend or sibling.  These are simply the people we choose to walk with and partner with in life.  Too often when we talk about intimate relationships we only think of it terms of physical and romantic intimacy – but intimate relationships can be any relationship where we in some way commit ourselves to support, love and care for someone in very real ways over the course of time.  These relationships are always hard and they require a lot of work and a lot of forgiveness. 

The reason forgiveness is essential in these relationships is because all of us are sinners.  If you remember from last week, sin simply means to stray from the path or miss the mark which means that there is a path we are to follow in life and when we stay in this path we are not only in a right relationship with God, but with others.  There is also a path we are to follow in our relationships with one another.  Not just in marriage, but in all our relationships and we heard this path outlined in Colossians 3.  Now it’s important to remember that Paul was not writing this to couples getting married, he was writing this to the early church.  The followers of Jesus were striving to live in community with one another.  They were developing deep relationships of trust and commitment – real intimacy - with one another.  What this shows us is that the kind of close and committed relationships we are talking about today are not just the relationships found in marriage but relationships we should be developing here in the church as well. 

If we go back to Colossians 3:12 we will define the  path we need to be living in our relationships with one another with these five words:  compassion, kindness, humility, meekness and patience. 

Compassion actually means to suffer with someone.  It means we experience their pain and frustrations and work to understand what it is they are going through.  It means to have empathy for someone which requires us to stop thinking about ourselves and start thinking about others.

Kindness is the thoughtful acts and words that bless and encourage others.  They are the acts given without thinking about getting something in return.  It’s love put into action and service. 

Humility is not putting ourselves down as much as it is lifting others up.  It is a basic respect for others.  It is seeing value and worth in other people and placing their lives before our own.

Meekness is a gentleness or softness in our words and actions toward others.  It’s what we hear in Proverbs when it says that a gentle answer turns away wrath.

Patience means long suffering and waiting with someone.  Sometimes patience is simply putting up with or bearing with someone until change happens. 

Obviously what we have just defined here is love.  The kind of love we see defined for us in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a.  Again, we often read this passage at weddings, but this was not written to couples getting married it was written to the church which means that this is how we need to treat one another and these are the kind of relationships we need to nurture and develop.

So this is the path we are to follow, but we miss the mark.  We stray from this path.  When we fail to listen and have compassion we stray from the path, when we are unkind, lose our patience and lash out in anger we miss the mark.  When our ego gets in the way and we place our needs before others, we stray from the path.  In every relationship we might stray from the path and then return, then stray again and then return, so our lives might look something like this… but every time we stray from the path and miss the mark we need to seek forgiveness. 

We also need to be willing to offer forgiveness when others stray from the path.  If we aren’t willing to offer forgiveness to others then we will end up alone in life because others will stray from us and we will stray from them. 

So let’s look at forgiveness in these relationships because forgiveness looks different in different situations.  Now the reality is that what we are going to look at today are some very general principles about forgiveness.  Forgiving one another is very personal and always needs to take into consideration a lot of issues, so today we are just going to look at some general principles about forgiveness and to do this we are going to go back to the illustration from last week. 

In all of our relationships there are small, medium and large sins that we struggle with and if we don’t learn to seek and offer forgiveness then these sins pile up in our heart and soul and become a burden which will weaken and in time destroy our relationships.  But when we miss the mark in these ways the sin not only piles up in our backpacks and weigh us down in life but when we say and do these things we are also placing stones in the backpacks of others and this creates more division and distance in our relationships and real pain for others.

Now some of the ways we all stray from the path in relationships are small.  We might not even know we are doing anything, it might just be the way we are and the different ways we see and experience life that cause those close to us to feel frustrated.  If that is how we are feeling, if these little sins of those we love are piling up then we need to learn to simply forgive and let these things.  Let me give an example. 

My parents are very different people.  My mom is a classic extrovert who gets energy in life when she is around other people so she always wants to be part of groups at church and in the community.  My Dad is a classic introvert who gets his energy replenished by coming home and experiencing a measure of peace and solitude.  As you can imagine, two people trying to live life together with such different needs can be challenging.  If my Dad insisted that my Mom stay home with him, it would lead to bitterness and resentment and if Mom got angry that my Dad never wanted to go out and be involved in things there would also be resentment and bitterness.  But here’s the thing, they didn’t hold on to these things. They let them go.  They know the other one isn’t intentionally trying to hurt them or change them it is just who they are and so while at times there might be some tension or frustrations, they have chosen to bear with one another in love.

There are times when we need to let go of these little things that might rub us the wrong way.  We need to tell ourselves that the other person didn’t mean to harm us or offend us and they really do love us so we can let these small sins go.  Now this takes a conscious effort.  We might actually have to name the offense or frustration and say to ourselves, I know they didn’t mean this, and I know they didn’t intentionally try to harm me so I am choosing to let it go.  This is what it means in 1 Corinthians 13:5 where it says, Love keeps no record of wrongs.  It means we don’t hold on to this anymore – we choose to let it go. 

Now if these little things become a habitual part of a relationship they need to be dealt with.  My parents have talked through their difference in life and my Dad has told my Mom to go and be involved in all that she wants and needs to.  He wants her to because he knows it is important to her and my Mom will do that without making my Dad feel guilty about not going with her.  They have talked it out and learned to bear with one another.  If little sins build up in a relationship they can become a bigger issue, so if you can’t just let it go – then talk about it. 

Now in every relationship there will also be these middle sized sins.  These are the hurtful words and insults we say in a fit of frustration knowing it will hurt.  It’s the dishonesty that creeps in when we intentionally keep things from one another and it’s lashing out in revenge when we feel like we have been hurt.

With these sins we have two options.  We can see seek justice or offer mercy.  Seeking justice means getting even - you hurt me so now I am going to hurt you.  In the Old Testament this was called an eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth.  Adam Hamilton says if we live this way we will end up toothless and blind, so we need to find a better way, we need to offer mercy and this means to forgive and this is what forgiveness look like in these situations.

Forgiveness starts with awareness.  We need to own up to what we have said and done that has caused pain to those we love.  We need to stop making excuses for our sin and start taking responsibility for our words and actions.  Once we really understand how our sins have hurt others and worked to destroy the relationship we need to experience remorse.  Now this is not often our initial feeling.  When we think about something we have said or done our first response might be to become defensive and say, they had it coming because look at what they did to me.  Remorse often takes some time and reflection.  The more we think about what we have done to those we love and the more we take responsibility for our own actions the more we will feel bad about it and want to do something about it.

Remorse then leads us to confession.  This is where we get to put into practice those three words we learned to say last week, I am sorry.  But we don’t say these words in passing without any feelings to back them up, we really should only say these words when we feel some remorse and understand how our words and actions have hurt those we love.  But confession is not the end of the process because it needs to lead to change.  What will we do differently in the future so that these words and actions don’t continue?  It doesn’t mean we will never stray from the path again, but we need to put clear expectations and boundaries into our relationships so that things really do change for the better. 

What this process does is actually work to take the stones out of someone else’s backpack.  We are working to remove the hurt, heal the pain and restore the relationship – but remember forgiveness goes both ways.  At times we need to seek forgiveness and at times we need to offer it, so if we have been the ones wronged, what will our response be when some comes seeking forgiveness?  Will we let the stone go?  Will we allow them to remove it from our lives or will we hold on to it because we can then pull it out later to seek some kind of revenge.  If we hold on to it then understand that we are now the ones who are placing stones in the packs of others.  We have to learn to let the stones go.  When those we love come seeking forgiveness and restoration we need to learn to forgive.  We may not always feel like it, sometimes forgiveness begins as an act of the will and choice we make, but that act and choice will slowly shape our hearts and lives. 

Now let’s also say a word about the big sins in our relationships.  These are things so big that they threaten to destroy the very life and soul of the other person.  Here we are talking about things like physical or emotional abuse that destroys the other person.  We are talking about addictions that destroy not only relationships but families and drag people we love down with us.  We are talking betrayals like infidelity and adultery.  Every single one of us is capable of straying this far off the path.  Given the right (or wrong) circumstances in life, every single one of us is capable of this kind of destructive behavior so we can’t sit here today and think about how someone else needs to hear these words, we need to think about them for ourselves. 

When this kind of violation takes place we aren’t talking about this kind of stone, we are talking about this kind of stone.  As you can see, the backpack can barely hold it and the reality is that our relationships were never meant to endure this kind of pain and brokenness.  Our relationships were never meant to experience physical abuse and adultery which is why God allows some grounds for divorce.  While God doesn’t want people to get divorced, He has always made an exception because God understands that relationships can not always survive this kind of brokenness.    

For example, God has always said that adultery was one reason you could file for divorce.  You didn’t have to and some relationships can and have survived this pain and even grown stronger through them, but some can not.  When these relationships have survived it is because the person who has committed the sin has gone through the same process we just looked at.  They have acknowledged their sin, felt genuine remorse, confessed their sin and worked to change.  In fact, most of the time change is required before there can be any kind of healing.  While all of this is needed by the person who has sinned, the other person must also be willing to stay involved and this is often a very clear choice that is made every day. 

Now this kind of forgiveness and healing often takes some good counseling because these things never just happen and it is important to understand how and why it all has taken place and how to safe guard everyone as they move together into the future.  When both parties work on this, what is happening is that you removing the stone together so there can be healing and restoration. 

Once the stone is removed, the person who has sinned and missed the mark can’t just take it back and hold on to it forever.  If you do it will destroy your life and relationships, so now we are back to where we were last week.  We have to be willing to give this to God.  And this is what it looks like...  and this is what it sounds like.  Psalm 51:1-4, 7-12  

You see, this was written by David after he committed adultery.  He asked God to forgive him and as we saw last week, God always does.  Not every relationship in this world can endure this kind of sin.  Not every marriage or friendship can survive abuse and betrayal but because God’s very nature is to forgive he does give us the ability to seek forgiveness and he is always willing to receive us when we turn to him and as we learn to accept God’s forgiveness and grace it will help us to both offer and receive that forgiveness and grace to others.     

Next Steps

Forgiveness in Marriage (and other personal relationships)

1.  In your most personal and important relationships, how can you intentionally put these qualities into practice this week.  Be specific.

Compassion: (to suffer with someone, to show empathy)

Kindness: (thoughtful acts that encourage and serve others)

Humility: (respecting others, placing their needs first)

Meekness: (softness, gentle words and actions)

Patience: (long suffering, waiting with someone)

2.  Name the little sins you need to overlook in your spouse and/or close friend.  As you bear with them, make sure to communicate your love for them. 

3. Where do you need to seek forgiveness from your spouse and/or close friend?  Where are you on this journey of forgiveness:  awareness, remorse, confession, change?  How can you move to the next step?

4.  If there is a big sin that threatens to destroy your most personal and important relationship, make the decision this week to ask for help and support and begin the path of forgiveness.