Today
we finish our look at forgiveness by looking at forgiveness within the context of
our families. How do we forgive our
parents or children and how do we offer and receive forgiveness from our
brothers and sisters. It’s important to
consider forgiveness in these relationships because these are often the most
formative and most difficult relationships in our lives. Our lives are shaped by our parents and
families and even when these relationships are positive and nurturing,
forgiveness can be difficult, but when families are broken and dysfunctional, forgiveness
can seem impossible and without forgiveness we end up carrying around deep pain
for years. Now forgiveness may not
always mean that relationships with our parents, children or siblings can be reconciled
and restored but if we are able to let go of our bitterness and anger then at
least we can experience a measure of freedom and wholeness that will open up
our hearts and lives to a better and healthier future.
To
help us think about forgiveness in the midst of our families we are going to
look at the very first time the word forgiveness appears in the Bible because
it appears in the midst of a story about one very dysfunctional family, the
family of Joseph. Joseph was the son of
Jacob and Rachael and had 11 older brothers, half brothers really because Jacob
had children with his two wives and their maidservants. Joseph had a total of
13 sons to 4 women! To make matters
worse, Jacob did not love his children equally, he loved Joseph more than all the
rest and he was pretty clear about making this known by giving Joseph alone a
beautiful multicolored robe. That robe
became a symbol of Jacob’s love and a source or great anger and resentment for
Joseph’s brothers. This family was
filled with jealousy, bitterness and sibling rivalry which was all brought on
by the parents, but we can’t really blame Jacob for this because that was how
he was raised.
If
you remember the story of Jacob, he was the son of Isaac and Rebecca who had
two sons, twins actually, Esau and Jacob.
Growing up Isaac favored Esau while Rebecca favored Jacob and both boys
knew this. The sibling rivalry drove Jacob
to deceive his father and steal the birthright from his brother all with his
mother’s blessing. As we can see, this
family was also filled with jealousy, bitterness and sibling rivalry encouraged
by the parents. Sound familiar? But in some way we can’t blame Isaac because
he learned all this from his parents.
Isaac
was the son of Abraham and Sarah and he had an older brother Ishmael who was
Abraham’s first child to Sarah’s servant, Hagar. If you remember that story, Abraham and Sarah
were told by God they were going to have a son but when that son didn’t come quickly
enough they took matters into their own hands and Abraham had a child with
Hagar. When Sarah finally did have a
son, she became so jealous of Hagar and Ishmael that she sent them away. God had them return, but there was strife, conflict
and jealous that remained part of that family and shaped Isaac’s life, which shaped
the life of his son Jacob which in turn shaped the life of his family, his 13
sons which included Joseph.
One
of the things we see here is that without forgiveness and grace restoring
relationships, we continue to pass on to future generations our pain and
problems which means it is important for us to learn how to forgive those in
our family. The other thing that is
important to remember as we look at Joseph’s family tree is that these were the
people God chose as his own. God did not
choose perfect people and perfect families.
God chose very ordinary people who were all part of broken families and
he worked in them, with them and through them – which means God is more than
willing and able to work in and through us.
Just because we may not come from the perfect family doesn’t mean God is
not able to do something significant in and with our lives, but if we are going
to move forward in life and faith we need to learn how to forgive.
So
now let’s go back to Joseph’s life. When
Joseph was young he knew he was his father’s favorite and all his brothers knew
he was his father’s favorite. Instead of
trying to build good relationships with his brothers by being humble and kind,
Joseph announced to his brothers that he had a dream where they were all going
to bow down before him. As you can
imagine, this did not go over well. When
Joseph kept going on and on about how he was going to rise up as the greatest
among his brother’s they had finally had enough so one day decided to kill
him. The anger and resentment in this
family had boiled over and it took control of the hearts and minds of Joseph’s
brothers.
Instead
of killing Joseph, they decided that a better idea was to sell him to group of slave
traders who were travelling through the area and then tell their father that
Joseph had been torn apart my some wild animals. So they took Joseph’s beautiful coat, ripped it
into pieces, covered it in blood and told his father that his favorite son had
been killed. The brothers spent years
watching their father mourn for his favorite son while they kept the secret
that he was really alive and living as a slave.
Think about what that must have done to the brothers. There must have been guilt for what they had
done and pain watching their father grieve, but also anger at Joseph for in
their minds he caused all this to happen and disappointment that their Dad still
didn’t love them as much he loved Joseph.
There is a lot of pain and brokenness here. There is anger, jealousy, resentment,
disappointment, plotting against a brother, keeping painful secrets from a
father – lots of stones getting throne about here into everyone’s backpack.
If
you have been with us the last few weeks we have been talking about sin and the
pain we cause one another in relationships by using the analogy of rocks and a
backpack. The backpack is our heart and
soul, it is the totality of our lives and the stones are the sins that we commit
against others. Some sins are small and
we need to learn to just let these go. If
we don’t let them go then they will build up in us over the years and may not
cause the other person any grief but it will weigh us down in life.
The
medium sized rocks are larger sins that often require both repentance and
forgiveness to overcome. These are
things we might intentionally say or do to belittle or hurt someone and when we
do this it is like throwing a stone in their backpack. For Joseph and his brothers this might be
reminding your brothers that you are the favorite and that you are going to
become a great leader that all the rest will bow down to someday. To remove these stones we might need to go
and apologize to the person we have offended and work to take the stone out of
their backpacks. When we apologize we
need to be acknowledge of
what we have done, feel genuine remorse,
confess our actions and work
to change.
Now
if the stones have been placed in our backpacks, if we are the ones who have
been offended then we need to learn how to offer forgiveness to others. Even if the one who hurt us never comes to
apologize, we need to at least forgive them from our heart so we aren’t
poisoning our own lives. Remember,
holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die,
so we need to learn to forgive and this means S.P.A.R.ing with them.
Not fighting but:
Seeking to understand who they are,
Praying for them,
Assuming the best in them, and
Remembering our own sin so that we see
things in context.
All
of this helps us ask for and offer forgiveness but then there are big stones
that really take time, energy and effort to overcome. In Joseph’s story this might be his brothers
selling him into slavery or lying to their father about Joseph being dead. If people come to us to repent it can help us
offer forgiveness, but if they don’t we still need to work through this pain
and let go of our anger.
In
families today, these stones look like years of verbal abuse and being put down
by a parent. Or it might be physical or
sexual abuse by a relative or it might simply be knowing that you are not the
favored child, which is what Joseph’s brothers faced. These stones can hurt and weigh us down and
they often require some help in letting them go. Sometimes we find that help in a therapist or
counselor and if ever there was a family that needed some counseling it was
Joseph’s family. Sometimes we find help
to learn how to forgive in support groups or small groups and sometimes we can
find it in someone who just knows what we are going through.
Take
a look at this clip from the movie Grid Iron Gang.
What
is portrayed so powerfully here is that the coach was still learning how to
forgive his dad. Forgiveness for a
lifetime of hurt within our families doesn’t happen overnight, but it can
happen and when we learn how to forgive and let go then we can help others learn
to forgive and let go. This is the power
of support groups and small groups. When
we share our experiences with one another we are teaching them and showing them
how to forgive. Our lives become the
road map for others to follow and it gives them hope that they might be able to
come to a place of healing and wholeness themselves. But sharing our experiences does more than
help others, it helps us. Just like in
the movie, when we reach out to help others forgive we find more healing and
hope ourselves. When we help others
forgive we continue our own journey of forgiveness.
Other
ways we can begin to work through the pain and hurt within our families is to
confront the situation with the person.
It might be having a heart to heart talk with a parent or child and
sharing the hurt we have experienced or confessing the pain we know we have inflicted
upon a brother or sister. We can write a
letter to someone and put into words all the hurt and pain we feel or feel we have
caused. Even if the other person has
died, we can still write that letter and allow the words we write be part of
the healing process and our journey of letting go. We can also pray. People have found that praying the Lord’s Prayer
over and over again helps but we have to focus on what we are saying: Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who
sin against us. Prayer can really
shape us and help us forgive.
Some
people have also found that the most helpful part of the journey of forgiveness
is looking at the painful situation we have gone through and realizing that God
can redeem it and turn it into something good.
A good friend of mine grew up in a very dysfunctional home. Her mother was an alcoholic who often ended
up in the hospital because of her drinking.
One day when Linda got home from school the ambulance was there and they
were taking her mother out on a stretcher.
When she saw Linda, she grabbed her hand and said you are coming with me.
Linda went to the hospital with her mother where her mother eventually
died.
A
few years later Linda’s family visited her at her summer job in Yellowstone and
on their way home to Illinois, her father and three sisters were in a car
accident. One sister was killed, one
received severe and permanent injuries to her leg and her father remained in a
coma for weeks. At 19 years old Linda
had to plan her sister’s funeral and make sure it was all videotaped for her
father to see if he got out of a coma. This
trauma caused Linda to make some poor choices and she ended up in some legal trouble,
but through it all she kept turning to God.
She didn’t allow bitterness, anger and resentment get the best of her,
she simply kept trusting God. In time, Linda
learned to forgive herself and others and her journey brought her to a place
where she now helps others.
Linda
became a Christian counselor who specialized in working with youth and
families. She helps young people and
families work through the dysfunction of alcoholism and addictions and she
helps them work through the grief and pain of loss. Linda has worked with people struggling with
the lingering effects of low self esteem and self worth. While Linda could have held on to all her
pain and anger – she allow God to actually redeem it all and turn it into
something good in her life and in the life of others.
And
now this brings us back to Joseph’s story.
After Joseph had been sold into slavery he suffered unjustly for
years. He was falsely accused of rape
and ended up in jail, but instead of getting angry at God he simply asked God
to continue to be a part of his life.
I’d like to think that Joseph prayed something like this, God I can’t change my past. I can’t change what has happened to me, but
you can shape my future. I don’t
know if Joseph prayed this, I don’t know if Linda prayed these words, but I
know God did exactly this in their lives.
God redeemed them and used them.
Joseph
not only rose to leadership in the nation of Egypt but his plan to stockpile
grain helped keep Egypt and all the surrounding nations alive during years of
drought and it was during this time of drought that his brothers finally ended
up back in Joseph’s life. Needing food,
Jacob sent his sons to Egypt to buy some grain and to do this they had to go to
Joseph. Joseph’s dream had come true, his
brothers were bowing down before him, but instead of being angry or arrogant or
proud, Joseph had learned how to give his past to God so he could now
forgive. Not only did he forgive his
brothers, Joseph said that all that had happened to him had prepared him to
reach out and bless his family, which is where we pick it up the story in Genesis 50:15-21.
While
Joseph’s brothers had intended to harm him, God used it for something
good. We don’t always see this when we
are going through the difficult times, but if we can learn to forgive and trust
God, in time we might see the larger plan God has for us and all the ways God
can bless us and use us. The apostle
Paul said that God works for the good in all things for those who love Christ Jesus. But God can’t do this, God can’t work for the
good in our lives, if we are weighed down by un-forgiveness. So today we have a
choice, we can hold on to these rocks and keep carrying them around in our
hearts and souls, or we can let them go or let God take them away or slowly chip
them away until we can let them go so that we can begin to experience all the
fullness of life. So today, the choice
is ours, we can hold on and carry these rocks or we can turn and cling to this one.
Next Steps
Forgiveness in Families
1. Dig deeper into the story of Joseph. See Genesis
37 – 50
·
In
what ways did Joseph sin against his brothers?
·
How
did Joseph show humility toward his brothers?
·
How
did the brothers seek Joseph’s forgiveness?
·
How
did Joseph offer his brother’s forgiveness?
·
What
events during Joseph’s life helped him forgive his brothers?
·
What
one practical lesson about forgiveness in the family can you learn from the
life of Joseph?
2. Who
in your family do you struggle to forgive?
Spend some time S.P.A.R.ing
with them.
·
Seek
to understand them.
·
Pray
for them.
·
Assume
the best in them.
·
Remember
your own sins.
3. Now
ask yourself if their sin against you is small,
medium or large?
·
If
it is small, can you let it go?
·
If
it is medium, can you approach them
and begin a journey of forgiveness?
·
If
it is large, can you invite others to
help you learn what forgiveness might look like?
