I’m sure you have all played the telephone game at some point in time. You know the game, you whisper a message into the ear of one person and that message is then whispered down the line and the person at the end has to repeat what they heard and many times the message that comes out at the end is very different than what was said at the beginning. While the outcome of that game can often be humorous – poor communication can be a disaster for any relationship. Poor communication can lead to distance between friends, division among a team and even divorce in a marriage. Good communication is essential to healthy relationships because all relationships are fueled by communication – but it’s not just what we say that’s important, it’s how we say it, when we say it, where we say it and the heart that lies behind what we say that also matters. So what principles does Jesus teach us about communication with one another? One of the first things Jesus says is that we have to be true to our word. Matthew 5:37.
For there to be good communication in any relationship, people need to be able to trust what we say and trust only develops over time as people learn that they can rely upon what we say. While trust takes time to develop, it can be destroyed in an instant, and there are several things that can destroy trust when it comes to communication. One thing that breaks down trust is broken promises. While it’s easy to call politicians on the carpet for promises they break, we are all guilty of this at times. We make promises to our children but then think nothing of changing our plans. We promise to complete a job, but then make excuses for why it’s not finished. We promise to be home on time, but then place work ahead of our family and stay late.
When we break our promises people begin to wonder if they can trust anything that we say, so we need to pay more attention to what we say and the promises we are making. If we say we are going to do something – we need to do it. If we say we are going to be someplace – we need to be there. Our yes needs to be yes and our no needs to be no, and if we fail to keep a promise we need to own up to it and ask for forgiveness. One of my concerns in the church is how easily we say that we will do things, but then I wonder if we really follow through on it. For example how often do we say, “I’ll pray for you,” and then never take the time to sit down and actually pray. I hope we are true to our word and I’m sure that our intentions are good, but the question is do we follow through. Our yes needs to mean yes. Jesus says we need to be true to our word and if we fail in some way, or maybe I should say, when we fail (because we will) when we fail we need to own up to it and ask for forgiveness.
Another practice in communication that breaks down trust is silence. Now this doesn’t mean silence doesn’t have its place – it does and we’ll look at that in a moment, but too much silence can break down relationships because when we don’t share what we are thinking - all kinds of assumptions can be made. Now I hate to say this, but listen up men because we need to pay attention to this. Studies show that women use more words in a day then men. This is probably not a surprise to anyone, but one study I read said that women use 20,000 words a day while men use closer to 7 (that’s 7,000 no 7). That’s a huge difference and women not only use more words but they often are looking for a response to those words. What this means for men is that there may be times when we have to make more of an effort to share what we are thinking and feeling because if we don’t say anything, women are left either wondering what is going on, or making assumptions about what we is going on. While silence has its place, too much silence can lead to doubt, fears, and wrong assumptions and all of that not only breaks down communication but it erodes trust and relationship. If you tend to be quiet in a relationship then make an effort to speak up and if you tend to do all the talking, think about using fewer words to encourage more conversation.
While broken promises and silence break down communication and trust, the one that will break down trust more than anything else is lying. Honesty is not only essential to good communications and therefore good relationships – it is one of the bedrocks of our faith. Look at Proverbs 6:16-19
2 of the 6 things God hates have to do with lying: a lying tongue and false witness. Lying even made it into the 10 Commandments – you shall not give false testimony against your neighbor. Again, the reason God gives this command is because lying breaks down relationships and what is the most important thing to God? Good relationships. So it is important for us to be truthful. But let’s be clear that being truthful is not a license to be mean, God calls us to speak the truth, but to speak the truth in love and a great example of this was Jesus’ encounter with the rich man.
In Mark 10:17-22 a rich man comes to Jesus and he wants to know what he has to do to be faithful and inherit eternal life. Jesus tells him to follow the commandments, which he has done. It then says, Jesus looked him and loved him and then Jesus told the man the truth. There is still one thing you lack, go sell everything you have and give to the poor, then come follow me. It says the man’s face fell when he heard this because he had great wealth. The truth was that this man had placed his wealth first in his life so what Jesus was calling him to do was hard, but Jesus loved him enough to tell him the truth. Jesus did not berate the man, he didn’t condemn him and he didn’t ridicule him, he simply spoke the truth but in love. Speaking the truth in love is not easy, people won’t always respond the way we want them to (the rich man walked away from Jesus and we have no idea if he ever returned) so if we are going to speak a difficult truth to someone, then we need to make sure we really love them before we open our mouths.
If you are wondering if you should speak the hard truth to someone, here are some questions we can ask ourselves first. Do we have a solid relationship with this person? Can our relationship handle all the messiness that might come up if we speak the truth? And (most important of all) are we willing to stay with the person and walk with them as they work to incorporate this truth into their lives? Speaking the truth in love means speaking the truth in the context of a loving relationship – it means being willing to be there with the person for the long haul if we are going to confront them at all
As you can see, speaking the truth in love requires us to have love in our hearts before we open our mouths. In Matthew 12:34 Jesus says that out of the overflow of our heart the mouth speaks. If we have love in our hearts then our words of truth will be seasoned with grace, but if our hearts are not filled with love, our words, however true they might be, will be filled with pride and bitterness. What Jesus says here is that whatever is in our hearts will come out in our words, good or bad. If we love someone, words of love and grace will come forth, but if we are angry with someone, harsh words of criticism and condemnation will come. And don’t assume that we can fake our communication and say words of love when the love isn’t there. According to Jesus that doesn’t work – what is in our hearts will be communicated – maybe not in our words, but it will come out in our facial expressions, our tone of voice, our body language. Jesus says what lies in our heart will always come out, it will always be communicated, so if we want to build up a relationship we need to examine our heart and make sure our attitude is right before we speak.
So what Jesus teaches us about good communication is that we need to keep our promises, speak the truth in love and work on having the right attitude towards others before we speak. Now my guess is that none of this is new to us. We know we need to be honest, and loving, but we still have trouble saying the right thing at the right time and with the right heart. Communication is not easy, In the book of James it says no one can tame the tongue and there is a lot of truth in that. Even when we know the right things to say, we often don’t say it, and how many times when we know we shouldn’t say anything do we open our mouths and say the wrong thing. No one can tame the tongue, but we can work at it and here are some practical things we can do to improve our communication.
The first step toward improving communication is to stop before we speak. If we are in a heated conversation the best thing we can do is stop and give ourselves a few moments, or even a few minutes before we respond. Proverbs 12:18 says reckless words pierce like the sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing We speak recklessly when we speak before we think and it is the words said in haste that often are the ones we regret the most. So instead of speaking quickly and recklessly, we need to stop and give ourselves a few moments before we speak. This is where some silence can be golden, but the silence has a purpose because it is as we are quiet that we can take a few moments and think. Now when I say think, what I mean is T.H.I.N.K.
T - Are the words we are going to share truthful. If not – then don’t say them, remember God is all about honesty in our speech and in our life. If the words are truthful then ask yourself if they will be H - helpful. In Ephesians 4:29 it says, Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. We should only share words that will be helpful to others and what will benefit them in their situation.
Not only should our words be truthful and helpful, they should also be I - inspirational. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 says we should encourage one another and build each other up. Do our words inspire people to be all God wants us to be? Do our words encourage people to turn to God and trust God and do they remind people that we will stand with them? Will our words inspire people to a deeper faith and a better life?
And then we need ask ourselves if our words are N - necessary. Do they really need to be said? This is another place where silence can often be a better choice. Not every thought we have needs to be shared. Not every comment or commentary needs to be spoken. Many times the truth might be better left unsaid, or kept for a better time or place.
And then finally, will our words K - kind? Will our words help people out of the situation they are in? If you remember back to our series on the fruit of God’s spirit we defined kindness as being useful or helpful to others, so will our words help people? Will they make a positive difference in someone’s life?
Stopping to THINK before we speak isn’t just something we should do when we find ourselves in heated conversations; it’s how we should approach every conversation. All of our words need to true, helpful, inspiration, necessary and kind, and if they are, not only will our communication be better – but our relationships will grow stronger. And now one final tip when it comes to communication, since taming the tongue, or learning to say the right thing at the right time is so difficult, we can not forget to communicate with God first. If we have a difficult conversation to make, if we need to speak the truth in love, if we have to learn to speak up more, or learn to be silent more, then we need to pray before we speak.
Do you remember what we learned in school about fire safety? If we ever catch on fire we need to do 3 things: Stop, Drop & Roll. Well, if we don’t want our words to set our relationships on fire then we need to do 3 things: Stop, THINK and Pray.
Listen Online!
Visit www.bellefontefaith.com to listen to these sermons online.