Soul Detox ~ Toxic Fear

One day my sister and I took my nephew who was about 3 or 4 at the time to the Potawotimi Zoo in South Bend, Indiana.  I pushed my nephew’s stroller into an exhibit and stood before a glass display which looked to me like a black empty wall.  

I kept asking “what is this, I don’t see anything” and then all of a sudden my eyes kind of re-focused and I realized that it wasn’t an empty wall because the entire wall was moving.  It was a wall of bats.  

When I realized this the hair on the back of my neck stood straight out, I broke out into a cold sweat and just started backing up.  I literally backed right out of the display building dragging my nephew’s stroller with me.  I could hear my sister reading the display board, but I was out of there.  And thus began my fear of bats.  I actually thought about showing a video of bats in an attic that I found and it was just 40 seconds long, but as I watched it after about 10 seconds I got kind of freaked out so I chose not to do that today.

Now this fear of bats is completely irrational.  I have never been attacked by a bat or bitten by a bat.  I have never had a bat in any house I have ever lived in (that I know of) and I know that bats are really good for the environment because they eat lots of mosquitoes, but I can’t stand them.  I had friends in Lewisburg whose attic was filled with hundreds and hundreds of bats.  I was at their home for a cook-out and at dusk when the bats started coming out I had to leave.  They all laughed as I drove away – but I still drove away.  It is a completely irrational fear – but it is a fear none the less. 

What are your greatest fears?  Fear of the dark?  Fear of needles?  I used to laugh at Chris Ramish who would volunteer to help at the blood drives but couldn’t get near any of the tables or the people donating blood because he would faint at the sight of needles. Maybe it is a fear of snakes like my Mom or a fear of that monster that as kids we knew lived under the bed or in the closet.   

Two of the most common fears people experience are the fear of flying and the fear of public speaking.  I think I have the public speaking thing taken care of, and just to assure all of you, my discomfort with international travel is not a fear of flying, but it is a fear of the unknown and fear of not being in control.  Anyone have those fears?  Now fear itself is not always a bad thing.  Fear can be healthy because it can work to keep us safe.  A few years ago I was hiking and while I don’t have a fear of heights or looking over cliffs, I was a little freaked out by this one man who kept going closer and closer to the edge of a waterfall.  The rocks were smooth and slick but he had no fear of slipping and falling, for him maybe some healthy fear would have been a good thing.  I know if he had some healthy fear of falling over the edge it would have been good for the rest of us. 

So sometimes fear can keep us safe.  My fear of bats has kept me safe from getting rabies or worse yet, being turned into a vampire.  All kidding aside, fear can help keep us safe, but when fear takes over or when it is irrational and we can’t overcome it, it becomes toxic and has the ability to destroy us and the life God wants for us.  For example, we teach our children to fear a hot stove and busy streets and strangers, but if we never overcome these fears and they become toxic in our lives, we will never learn to cook, drive a car or make new friends.  So fear can be healthy but toxic fear can destroy us. 

In his book Soul Detox, Craig Groeschel says that many of our fears can be placed into four categories: 

fear of loss, 

fear of failure, 

fear of rejection 

fear of the unknown.  

I don’t know about you, but there are times I can relate to each one of these fears.  The fear of loss can be the loss of a loved one or the loss of a job.  That loss of a job can lead to new fears because we start thinking about losing our financial security.  This has been a real fear we have wrestled with recently because of the economic situation we have seen in our community.  With all the issues of Penn State these past few years there has been some real fear about the loss of the football program which in so many ways is important to our community.  This past week when scholarships were returned to the program, those fears were eased a bit which meant the fear of loss was a very real fear to begin with.      

The fear of failure is destructive because it can hold us back from experiencing many good things in life.  Answer this question, what things would you try today if you weren’t afraid you’d fail?  If you are a student, would you try out for the basketball team or district band?  What jobs have you not applied for because you just didn’t think you could do them?  Many times these fears come from toxic words we have heard our entire lives, like “you aren’t good enough to make the team”, or “you aren’t smart enough for to go for that job.”  Those toxic words need to be overcome first if we are going to overcome the fears those words bring.   

The fear of rejection is really a fear of failure in a relationship because the most painful rejections are those that are personal.  This fear keeps many of us from life giving relationships and experiences God may want for us.  This might seem trivial, but when I was in high school I didn’t go to my senior prom because I was afraid of rejection.  I actually did ask a girl to the prom… but it was the day of the prom!  Yeah, I know – not cool right, but you see I was afraid she would have said no so I didn’t ask her earlier.  If I had, she would have gone with me.  Rejection is a powerful fear that keeps us from stepping out not only in relationships but in many different ways in our lives.  It’s a toxic fear that holds us back so we need to learn to overcome it.     

And then there is the fear of the unknown.  In many ways this fear ties into the other three because when we experience any kind of loss it opens the door to an unknown future.  What will life be like if I lose my job or lose my spouse?  And failure leads to the unknown.  If I try something and fail will it open the door to greater ridicule or pain?  Will it lead to deeper failure?  And rejection can lead to the unknown.  Will we be able to survive the pain and hurt of people not loving us in return? 

Fear of the unknown can hold us back in many ways.  When I shared my fear about international travel, what I was talking about was this fear of the unknown.  What happens when I’m in different country or culture and need to go to the bathroom?  What do I say?  What do I do?  Where do I go?  I know it seems silly, but it is these kinds of fears that hold us back in life.  If this kind of fear takes over, if it becomes toxic, it keeps us from the life we want to live and the life God wants for us.  So let’s talk about how to overcome these fears. 

One of the things we often hear is that fear is a lack of faith, but Craig Groeschel says that maybe fear isn’t the lack of faith but faith in the wrong things.  When we are afraid in any given situation what we are doing is placing more faith in the what-if than the God-is.  A great example of this is Moses. 

Moses had a personal encounter with the living God in the burning bush, actually it wasn’t a burning bush but a bush that looked like it was on fire but actually was not.  Now, that’s impressive.  If God can make a bush look like it’s on fire when it is not, I think I might do what God asked me to do.  While Moses had faith in God, at that moment he had more faith in the “what-if”, look at Exodus 3:13.  Here’s the what-if, “God, what if they ask me who you are?” Moses was afraid of failure and rejection and the unknown and while he had faith in God, he had more faith in the what-ifs.  Those questions fed his fear.

To help Moses out, God actually gave Moses his name so he could tell the people exactly who it was who sent him.  So now Moses has seen the power of God in the burning bush – or the bush that looks like it is on fire but is not – and he has the name of God which in and of itself is powerful so this should have been enough for Moses to move forward, right?  Wrong, twice more we see that Moses placed more faith in the what-if, the questions that fed his fears, than the God who was with him.  Look at Exodus 4:1 and 4:10

What if they still don’t believe me?  What if I don’t say the right things?  By focusing on those what-ifs, Moses continues to be tied up in fear and when we focus on the what-ifs we are also allowing our fear of failure, fear of rejection and fear of the unknown to shape our lives.  Now before we just toss aside these what-if questions, it is important to look at them because they teach us something about ourselves.  If we look at all of Moses’ questions to God we realize that what Moses valued was being seen and accepted as a leader who had the authority and power of God.  That’s not bad, Moses really wanted to be successful for God, he wanted to do God’s will but his own insecurity and fear was holding him back.  Moses didn’t want to fail.  That was his fear.  What is our fear? 

If we examine our what-ifs we might begin to learn what it is that we fear most.  When I didn’t ask Cheryl to the prom, it was a fear of being rejected and a fear of being hurt.  When I think twice about travelling to Israel or Sierra Leone, it is a fear of the unknown and not being in control.  Understanding what it is we fear is important because it shows us where we trust God the least.  I didn’t trust God to be there for me in times of rejection and at times I still don’t trust God to be there in unknown situations that are beyond my control. 

Being able to name these toxic fears is important because these fears don’t come from God because God does not give us a spirit of fear.  2 Timothy 1:7 says, God did not give us a spirit of fear but of power and love and self discipline.  So toxic fear is not from and God and in fact it gets in the way of what God wants to do in our lives, so we need to offer these fears to God.  This is what King David did so well. 

David was called by God to be the king of Israel; the only problem was that there was already a king in Israel, Saul.  So for many years as David was rising up in leadership and power, Saul fought against him.  Eventually Saul issued a decree that David should be hunted down and killed.  Think about it, all the resources of the kingdom of Israel were given over to the extermination of one man, David.  This was the reality of David’s life and this caused some real fear for him and we see this identified and recorded in many of David’s writings.  Look at Psalm 56:1-6. 

Everyone is out for David.  Everyone is watching his steps and trying to get him and David clearly states all of this to God but then David doesn’t place his faith in the what-ifs.  David doesn’t spend his time saying, “what if they get me” and “what if they kill me”, he offers his fear to God.  In God I trust I am not afraid.  We hear this again in Psalm 34:4. 

What David does so well is identify his fear and offer it to God.  Can we name our fears?  Can we sit down and say, God, here is what’s happening, I’m afraid to try out for the team because I’m afraid people will laugh at me and tease me. I’m afraid of going for that new job because I just might get it and then might not be able to do the work.  God I’m afraid that I will not have enough money for retirement which is why I’m not giving more or trusting you with what I have today.  We have to name the fear before we can give it to God, so we need to spend some time thinking about the what-if’s but then offer those fears to God which in turn help us focus on the God who is. 

And that is the second thing that helps us overcome our toxic fears, not just focusing on God but actually pursuing God and asking Him for strength.  One of the most powerful ways we pursue God is through prayer and worship.  When we call out to God, he is there.  When we gather to worship God – he is here.  Jesus said that where two or more gather in his name he will be there which means that Jesus is here today to take away our fear and fill us with power and peace. 

We can also find God and overcome fear by reading God’s word.  There are at least 365 fear not passages in the Bible which means that every day we could open the Bible and find a verse that tells us to not be afraid and it is those healthy life giving words that overcome toxic words and toxic fears.  When we seek God in prayer, worship and his word we will find him and when we offer him our fears he will deliver us from them.  So this week let’s explore what it is that causes us the most fear and let’s explore those what-ifs that keep us from God.  Once we can name those fears, we can offer them to God and then with open hands we can receive the fullness of what God has to offer us which is a spirit of power and strength and peace.  Fear not, for God is.  God is with us. 

Next Steps

Soul Detox ~ Toxic Fear

1.  What are the fears you struggle with the most? 

·         Fear of Loss

·         Fear of Failure

·         Fear of Rejection

·         Fear of the Unknown

·          

How have you experienced these fears in the past? 

In what specific ways do struggle with these fears today?

Can you name the fear that holds you back the most? 

2.  What the “what-ifs” that terrorize your heart and mind? 

What do these questions reveal about what you value the most and where you trust God the least? 

3.  What are you not trusting God with today? 

4.  What specific tool can you use this week to deepen your faith and trust in God?

·         Prayer

·         Worship

·         Reading the Bible

·         Becoming part of a small group or Bible study

·         Sharing with other Christians

5.  Commit to memory Psalm 34:4

Soul Detox ~ Toxic Words

To help us understand the importance of this new sermon series we need to understand something about frogs.  

Yes frogs.  If you place a frog into a kettle of boiling water it will immediately jump out because it recognizes that the environment is hostile and life threatening.  

If you take that same frog and place him in a kettle of room temperature water it will stay there and be quite content. 

If you place that kettle on the stove and turn the heat on low and then slowly, very slowly, turn the heat up - the frog will continue to remain in the kettle quite content until he is quite dead.  The problem is that the frog never feels his environment around him, the water, changing and becoming hostile so he never works to get out.  This is what is happening with us. 

We are the frogs living in the kettle and the culture in which we live is the water.  We know that our culture has changed and not for the better, the stove has been turned on, but the heat is rising so slowly, changes are taking place so slowly that we have grown content with the way things are.  As we see changes that we may not like we say, “it’s just a generational thing”, “it’s just how kids are today.”  “There is nothing we can do to change this so we might as well go along with it.”  With this attitude, over the last 50 years we have gone from this...

Elvis on the Ed Sullivan Show

 to this...

This is a picture of Miley Cyrus twerking on TV but the picture was so vulgar and inappropriate that this was all I could show you.  The water around us is boiling, the environment is hostile to our and faith and our lives, but we have grown used to is so we don’t do anything about it.  In his book Soul Detox, Craig Groeschel says,

We know something doesn’t feel quite right.  We are not growing closer to God and following Christ the way we would like, but we can’t put our finger on it.  Even though we believe in God and want to please him, we find it hard to serve him passionately and consistently.  We want to move forward spiritually but feel like we’re running against the wind.  We want more – we know there’s more – but we just can’t seem to find it. 

If this sounds like where you are living today, if you take one step forward in your faith only to fall two steps back a week later, you are not alone.  Most of us feel this way.  Instead of moving closer to God we often feel ourselves moving farther away from God and we know that the world in which we live is not helping, but we aren’t quite sure what to do about it.  Because we live in such a toxic environment, I am excited and hopeful about this sermon series because the goal of this series is to help us identify the hot water and learn how to jump out.  For the next six weeks we are going to explore how toxic fears, relationships, beliefs, our culture and unhealthy comparisons we make in life hold us back from experiencing more of our faith and more of the life God wants for us and then we will look at some biblical and practical ways to come clean.  Today, we are going to start by looking at how toxic words are slowly tearing us down and what we can do about them. 

There is a well meaning phrase that we used to teach children because we thought it helped overcome negative words and name calling, but it is a statement that is fundamentally untrue.  You know the phrase, it begins, sticks and stones may break my bones… (but names can never hurt me).  Now we all know this is not true.  Names hurt and if names and hurtful words are said over and over and over again, they not only tear us down but they shape the way we see ourselves and begin to define we are. 

For many years as I was growing up, this is what I heard, fatty, fatty 2 X 4, can’t fit through the bathroom door.  I heard that and many other names because I was overweight.  I was picked last for every team in gym class and overall bullied and teased about being fat.  Those words have shaped my life.  People don’t understand me when I say this, but I still think of myself and see myself as being fat.  While I have spent 35 of my 50 years not being overweight, because the first 15 years I was and heard about it almost daily – it has fundamentally shaped how I perceive myself. 

Words and names have power, the Bible makes this clear.  Look at  Proverbs 18:21, 12:18, 15:4,

Words have power.  The best example of this is the story of creation.  What was it that created the world?  It was the word of God.  God spoke and it happened.  God said, let there be light and it happened; there was light.  God spoke and the worlds came into being.  God spoke and we came into being.  God’s word has power and our words have power.  Our words have the power to create life – maybe not the way God’s did, but we have the power to create life in ourselves and others, but our words also have the power to wound and destroy.  Our words have the power to lift up or tear down.  Our words can bring health or sickness, joy or sorrow, peace or war, life or death. 

What kind of words do you remember hearing in your life?  Can you remember the words that have brought you joy, health or life?  My guess is that you may have a hard time thinking of those words, but you can quickly and easily remember the words that tore you down.  What’s sad is that we can remember the harsh, critical and unkind words more than the good ones.  I can still remember where I was on the playground outside Lily B. Haynes Elementary school when I was teased for being overweight, but I don’t remember where or when teachers told me I was doing a good job.  I know they probably did and I’m sure those words helped, but I don’t remember them.  I read once that for every one negative or critical word we receive it takes six positive words to balance it out.  All this tells us that negative words hurt more and go deeper and last longer than positive words and yet think about our culture – it is filled almost exclusively with negative words. 

Watch just about any news station and you hear people talking over one another about our world’s problems and many of their words are spoken to tear down their opponents.  Even in the midst of the Naval Yard shooting this week, politicians on both sides were speaking negatively about one another.  At a time when we should have been coming together as one nation and building each other up as a community, our words were still tearing others apart.  This is the culture we live in.  Whether it is in school, sports or politics, this is the culture we live in, too many of our words tear others apart and no where do we see this more clearly than in social media. 

A number of years ago I joined twitter, but I am not there anymore.  First of all, being a preacher, you all know that there is no way I can say anything in less than 140 words let alone 140 characters.  But the real reason I didn’t stay on twitter was because most of what I saw and read was not just negative but vicious and I just didn’t like filling my mind with those thoughts, attitudes and words.  People feel free to use words on social media that they would never use publicly and those words have consequences in our culture.  Just this week there were 2 stories about the vicious words on twitter when a college professor and a political leader both called for the death of their opponents children.  While one has apologized for his remarks, those words are still out there and the other person has refused to apologize and even stands by what he has said.  These words are shaping who we are and who we are becoming.  They are shaping our culture and they are destroying us. 

While we can’t control what other people say, we can control what we say and we can control what we choose to listen to.  If we want to come clean and begin to rid ourselves of toxic words and the power of toxic words in our lives then we start by choosing what we will listen to and what we will believe about the words we hear. 

When I was a new pastor in Altoona, we made some changes that upset a few people and they made sure I heard about it.  One of the men who was unhappy wrote me a letter and told me I was doing the work of the devil.  Another man told me I was going to destroy the church.  A Sunday School teacher kick me off his property with a few choice words.  I’ll be honest, those words hurt.  They hurt a lot, but a very wise pastor who had been down this same road himself told me that I had to choose what I was going to believe about myself.  So I spent some time thinking about it and I realized that I was not doing the work of the devil and what I was trying to do was not destroy the church but help build the church and prepare it for the future.  I was trying my best to be faithful to the mission of Jesus.  My family, friends and other leaders affirmed all of this with me so I was able to let go of the lies others were saying about me and hold on to the truth. 

We can not control what other people say and what they say about us, but we can control what we choose to listen to and believe.  There comes a time when we have to evaluate the words of others and decide if they are truth or trash, to help us with that there is actually an app called truth or trash.  It shares some statements we often hear and asks us if we think these words are truth or trash.  There is one statement I read on the app which said, you are powerless.  Now the truth is that we might feel powerless a lot of the time, but that statement is trash because the Bible says we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us, so if those words come into our head, or if we hear them from others, we need to reject them.   

Not only do we need to hold on to the positive words said about us and get rid of the negative, but we need make sure that we concentrate on saying positive words.  Look at Ephesians 4:29.  Every word has power which is why God tells us that every word we say needs to be positive, faith-filled and something that lifts others up.  Think how much better your marriage might be if every day you said only positive things about your spouse.  How much stronger would our children would be if we only said things that built them up and inspired them.  Think about what a better place our schools would be if student’s only said kind and inspiring words about their class mates.  Think how much better our work force would be if employers spent more time encouraging their workers instead of criticizing them and think about how much different our nation would be if in politics we found ways to encourage each other even when we disagree.

Now I know you are thinking that sounds great, but it will never happen, well it won’t unless we commit ourselves to beginning to make it happen.  Most of us think of many positive things we could say about people during the course of a day, but we just don’t say them.  I want to encourage all of us this week to say them.  If you see someone doing a good job – tell them.  If you are proud of your kids – tell them.  If you appreciate your parents – tell them.  If you value your friends, like your teacher, appreciate your elected officials – tell them!  If God had just thought about creating the heavens and the earth and never said a word, we wouldn’t be here, but God spoke.  God’s word was shared and it created life.  Our positive words when spoken can bring life.  So if you think something positive and good – share it.  If you think something negative, harsh and critical – keep silent. What did our parents tech us?  If you don’t have anything nice to say… (or again, Ephesians. 4:29)

Not only do we need to think about words said to us and words we say to others but we also need to think about the words we say to ourselves.  Too often the running commentary in our own hearts and minds is negative and critical.  I’ll never measure up.  I’m not good enough.  I can’t do this.  We need to change those words and fill our minds and hearts with positive faith-filled words that will shape our lives.  I think David did this when he fought Goliath.  David knew that the odds were against him when he went out to fight Goliath.  In fact, many people told him that.  Goliath told him that.  Goliath taunted David and bullied him and cut him down with insults but David not only rejected those words, he filled his heart and head with positive words.  Look at 1 Samuel 17:45-48, while these words were spoken by David to Goliath, I wonder if they were really spoken by David for David.  I think he needed to hear this about himself. Those words made a difference. 

We all need to hear positive words about ourselves and sometimes we need to say those words out loud, or write them down so we can see them in order to believe them.  Craig Groeschel tells a story about man who was struggling with depression and Craig really didn’t know how to help him.  He finally told the man that before he could leave his office he had to came up with 100 positive things to say about himself.  The man resisted, as most of us would, but Craig insisted so finally the man gave in and said, Ok, I am a good writer, which he was, so Craig put that on the top of the list.  Then the man said, I am funny, which he was, so Craig added that to the list.  Then the man quickly said, people say I look like Robert Redford – which was not at all true so Craig smiled at him and wrote down – you are very funny – at which point the man smiled.  They kept going until they filled several pages of paper with 100 positive things.  Craig gave the list to the man and he left. 

About a decade later the man saw Craig and he was so excited to introduce Craig to his wife and son.  His life had completely turned around.  As they were talking the man opened up his wallet and pulled out several worn pieces of paper and handed them to Craig.  It was the list of 100 positive things about himself and he told Craig, I don’t need this anymore because God has written all of these and 100’s more on my heart. 

Negative words tear down and destroy but positive words really do build us up and bring life.  We need to write these words about ourselves, we need say them to ourselves, at times out loud, so that they get written on our hearts and we need to start saying these positive things about others.  While we live in a world full of toxic words, we can make the choice today to come clean and “let no unwholesome words come out of our mouths but only what is helpful for building others up.”  It is a choice we can make today and it is a choice we can make every day.  The right choice brings life.  The right choice brings faith and the right choice begins to turn our culture and world around. 

Next Steps

Soul Detox ~ Toxic Words

Write down 100 positive words that define who you are.

 Write down 25 positive things about 2 people you know and share these words with them.

Forgiving Families

Today we finish our look at forgiveness by looking at forgiveness within the context of our families.  How do we forgive our parents or children and how do we offer and receive forgiveness from our brothers and sisters.  It’s important to consider forgiveness in these relationships because these are often the most formative and most difficult relationships in our lives.  Our lives are shaped by our parents and families and even when these relationships are positive and nurturing, forgiveness can be difficult, but when families are broken and dysfunctional, forgiveness can seem impossible and without forgiveness we end up carrying around deep pain for years.  Now forgiveness may not always mean that relationships with our parents, children or siblings can be reconciled and restored but if we are able to let go of our bitterness and anger then at least we can experience a measure of freedom and wholeness that will open up our hearts and lives to a better and healthier future.  

To help us think about forgiveness in the midst of our families we are going to look at the very first time the word forgiveness appears in the Bible because it appears in the midst of a story about one very dysfunctional family, the family of Joseph.  Joseph was the son of Jacob and Rachael and had 11 older brothers, half brothers really because Jacob had children with his two wives and their maidservants. Joseph had a total of 13 sons to 4 women!  To make matters worse, Jacob did not love his children equally, he loved Joseph more than all the rest and he was pretty clear about making this known by giving Joseph alone a beautiful multicolored robe.  That robe became a symbol of Jacob’s love and a source or great anger and resentment for Joseph’s brothers.  This family was filled with jealousy, bitterness and sibling rivalry which was all brought on by the parents, but we can’t really blame Jacob for this because that was how he was raised.

If you remember the story of Jacob, he was the son of Isaac and Rebecca who had two sons, twins actually, Esau and Jacob.  Growing up Isaac favored Esau while Rebecca favored Jacob and both boys knew this.  The sibling rivalry drove Jacob to deceive his father and steal the birthright from his brother all with his mother’s blessing.  As we can see, this family was also filled with jealousy, bitterness and sibling rivalry encouraged by the parents.  Sound familiar?  But in some way we can’t blame Isaac because he learned all this from his parents. 

Isaac was the son of Abraham and Sarah and he had an older brother Ishmael who was Abraham’s first child to Sarah’s servant, Hagar.  If you remember that story, Abraham and Sarah were told by God they were going to have a son but when that son didn’t come quickly enough they took matters into their own hands and Abraham had a child with Hagar.  When Sarah finally did have a son, she became so jealous of Hagar and Ishmael that she sent them away.  God had them return, but there was strife, conflict and jealous that remained part of that family and shaped Isaac’s life, which shaped the life of his son Jacob which in turn shaped the life of his family, his 13 sons which included Joseph.   

One of the things we see here is that without forgiveness and grace restoring relationships, we continue to pass on to future generations our pain and problems which means it is important for us to learn how to forgive those in our family.  The other thing that is important to remember as we look at Joseph’s family tree is that these were the people God chose as his own.  God did not choose perfect people and perfect families.  God chose very ordinary people who were all part of broken families and he worked in them, with them and through them – which means God is more than willing and able to work in and through us.  Just because we may not come from the perfect family doesn’t mean God is not able to do something significant in and with our lives, but if we are going to move forward in life and faith we need to learn how to forgive.

So now let’s go back to Joseph’s life.  When Joseph was young he knew he was his father’s favorite and all his brothers knew he was his father’s favorite.  Instead of trying to build good relationships with his brothers by being humble and kind, Joseph announced to his brothers that he had a dream where they were all going to bow down before him.  As you can imagine, this did not go over well.  When Joseph kept going on and on about how he was going to rise up as the greatest among his brother’s they had finally had enough so one day decided to kill him.  The anger and resentment in this family had boiled over and it took control of the hearts and minds of Joseph’s brothers.

Instead of killing Joseph, they decided that a better idea was to sell him to group of slave traders who were travelling through the area and then tell their father that Joseph had been torn apart my some wild animals.  So they took Joseph’s beautiful coat, ripped it into pieces, covered it in blood and told his father that his favorite son had been killed.  The brothers spent years watching their father mourn for his favorite son while they kept the secret that he was really alive and living as a slave.  Think about what that must have done to the brothers.  There must have been guilt for what they had done and pain watching their father grieve, but also anger at Joseph for in their minds he caused all this to happen and disappointment that their Dad still didn’t love them as much he loved Joseph.  There is a lot of pain and brokenness here.  There is anger, jealousy, resentment, disappointment, plotting against a brother, keeping painful secrets from a father – lots of stones getting throne about here into everyone’s backpack. 

If you have been with us the last few weeks we have been talking about sin and the pain we cause one another in relationships by using the analogy of rocks and a backpack.  The backpack is our heart and soul, it is the totality of our lives and the stones are the sins that we commit against others.  Some sins are small and we need to learn to just let these go.  If we don’t let them go then they will build up in us over the years and may not cause the other person any grief but it will weigh us down in life. 

The medium sized rocks are larger sins that often require both repentance and forgiveness to overcome.  These are things we might intentionally say or do to belittle or hurt someone and when we do this it is like throwing a stone in their backpack.  For Joseph and his brothers this might be reminding your brothers that you are the favorite and that you are going to become a great leader that all the rest will bow down to someday.  To remove these stones we might need to go and apologize to the person we have offended and work to take the stone out of their backpacks.  When we apologize we need to be acknowledge of what we have done, feel genuine remorse, confess our actions and work to change. 

Now if the stones have been placed in our backpacks, if we are the ones who have been offended then we need to learn how to offer forgiveness to others.  Even if the one who hurt us never comes to apologize, we need to at least forgive them from our heart so we aren’t poisoning our own lives.  Remember, holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die, so we need to learn to forgive and this means S.P.A.R.ing with them.  Not fighting but:

Seeking to understand who they are,

Praying for them,

Assuming the best in them, and

Remembering our own sin so that we see things in context.

All of this helps us ask for and offer forgiveness but then there are big stones that really take time, energy and effort to overcome.  In Joseph’s story this might be his brothers selling him into slavery or lying to their father about Joseph being dead.  If people come to us to repent it can help us offer forgiveness, but if they don’t we still need to work through this pain and let go of our anger. 

In families today, these stones look like years of verbal abuse and being put down by a parent.  Or it might be physical or sexual abuse by a relative or it might simply be knowing that you are not the favored child, which is what Joseph’s brothers faced.  These stones can hurt and weigh us down and they often require some help in letting them go.  Sometimes we find that help in a therapist or counselor and if ever there was a family that needed some counseling it was Joseph’s family.  Sometimes we find help to learn how to forgive in support groups or small groups and sometimes we can find it in someone who just knows what we are going through. 

Take a look at this clip from the movie Grid Iron Gang. 

What is portrayed so powerfully here is that the coach was still learning how to forgive his dad.  Forgiveness for a lifetime of hurt within our families doesn’t happen overnight, but it can happen and when we learn how to forgive and let go then we can help others learn to forgive and let go.  This is the power of support groups and small groups.  When we share our experiences with one another we are teaching them and showing them how to forgive.  Our lives become the road map for others to follow and it gives them hope that they might be able to come to a place of healing and wholeness themselves.  But sharing our experiences does more than help others, it helps us.  Just like in the movie, when we reach out to help others forgive we find more healing and hope ourselves.  When we help others forgive we continue our own journey of forgiveness. 

Other ways we can begin to work through the pain and hurt within our families is to confront the situation with the person.  It might be having a heart to heart talk with a parent or child and sharing the hurt we have experienced or confessing the pain we know we have inflicted upon a brother or sister.  We can write a letter to someone and put into words all the hurt and pain we feel or feel we have caused.  Even if the other person has died, we can still write that letter and allow the words we write be part of the healing process and our journey of letting go.  We can also pray.  People have found that praying the Lord’s Prayer over and over again helps but we have to focus on what we are saying: Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.  Prayer can really shape us and help us forgive. 

Some people have also found that the most helpful part of the journey of forgiveness is looking at the painful situation we have gone through and realizing that God can redeem it and turn it into something good.  A good friend of mine grew up in a very dysfunctional home.  Her mother was an alcoholic who often ended up in the hospital because of her drinking.  One day when Linda got home from school the ambulance was there and they were taking her mother out on a stretcher.  When she saw Linda, she grabbed her hand and said you are coming with me.  Linda went to the hospital with her mother where her mother eventually died.

A few years later Linda’s family visited her at her summer job in Yellowstone and on their way home to Illinois, her father and three sisters were in a car accident.  One sister was killed, one received severe and permanent injuries to her leg and her father remained in a coma for weeks.  At 19 years old Linda had to plan her sister’s funeral and make sure it was all videotaped for her father to see if he got out of a coma.  This trauma caused Linda to make some poor choices and she ended up in some legal trouble, but through it all she kept turning to God.  She didn’t allow bitterness, anger and resentment get the best of her, she simply kept trusting God.  In time, Linda learned to forgive herself and others and her journey brought her to a place where she now helps others. 

Linda became a Christian counselor who specialized in working with youth and families.  She helps young people and families work through the dysfunction of alcoholism and addictions and she helps them work through the grief and pain of loss.  Linda has worked with people struggling with the lingering effects of low self esteem and self worth.  While Linda could have held on to all her pain and anger – she allow God to actually redeem it all and turn it into something good in her life and in the life of others. 

And now this brings us back to Joseph’s story.  After Joseph had been sold into slavery he suffered unjustly for years.  He was falsely accused of rape and ended up in jail, but instead of getting angry at God he simply asked God to continue to be a part of his life.  I’d like to think that Joseph prayed something like this, God I can’t change my past.  I can’t change what has happened to me, but you can shape my future.  I don’t know if Joseph prayed this, I don’t know if Linda prayed these words, but I know God did exactly this in their lives.  God redeemed them and used them. 

Joseph not only rose to leadership in the nation of Egypt but his plan to stockpile grain helped keep Egypt and all the surrounding nations alive during years of drought and it was during this time of drought that his brothers finally ended up back in Joseph’s life.  Needing food, Jacob sent his sons to Egypt to buy some grain and to do this they had to go to Joseph.  Joseph’s dream had come true, his brothers were bowing down before him, but instead of being angry or arrogant or proud, Joseph had learned how to give his past to God so he could now forgive.  Not only did he forgive his brothers, Joseph said that all that had happened to him had prepared him to reach out and bless his family, which is where we pick it up the story in Genesis 50:15-21.

While Joseph’s brothers had intended to harm him, God used it for something good.  We don’t always see this when we are going through the difficult times, but if we can learn to forgive and trust God, in time we might see the larger plan God has for us and all the ways God can bless us and use us.  The apostle Paul said that God works for the good in all things for those who love Christ Jesus.  But God can’t do this, God can’t work for the good in our lives, if we are weighed down by un-forgiveness. So today we have a choice, we can hold on to these rocks and keep carrying them around in our hearts and souls, or we can let them go or let God take them away or slowly chip them away until we can let them go so that we can begin to experience all the fullness of life.  So today, the choice is ours, we can hold on and carry these rocks or we can turn and cling to this one. 

Next Steps

Forgiveness in Families

1.  Dig deeper into the story of Joseph.  See Genesis 37 – 50

·         In what ways did Joseph sin against his brothers?

·         How did Joseph show humility toward his brothers?

·         How did the brothers seek Joseph’s forgiveness?

·         How did Joseph offer his brother’s forgiveness?

·         What events during Joseph’s life helped him forgive his brothers?

·         What one practical lesson about forgiveness in the family can you learn from the life of Joseph?

2. Who in your family do you struggle to forgive?  Spend some time S.P.A.R.ing with them. 

·         Seek to understand them. 

·         Pray for them. 

·         Assume the best in them.

·         Remember your own sins. 

3. Now ask yourself if their sin against you is small, medium or large?

·         If it is small, can you let it go? 

·         If it is medium, can you approach them and begin a journey of forgiveness? 

·         If it is large, can you invite others to help you learn what forgiveness might look like?

Forgiving Others

Matthew 18:21-22.  When we hear this teaching of Jesus, the thing we tend to focus on is the numbers.  How often am I supposed to forgive?  Do I need to forgive people 7 times, or is it 70 times, or 77 times, or 70 x 70 times?  Just how many times does Jesus say I have to forgive someone?  Instead of trying to pin Jesus down to a number, let’s ask another question.  Why does Jesus tell us we need to forgive?  Why do we need to forgive people when they offend us, hurt us and throw rocks in our backpacks?  The answer is actually pretty simple.  We forgive because it is in our physical, emotional and spiritual well being to forgive. 

When we withhold our forgiveness, in other words, when he hold on to a grudge, it negatively effects every part of our lives.  On a physical level, when we choose not to forgive it allows bitterness and resentment to take over which increases stress which in turn can lead to high blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes and many other illnesses.  I found this really interesting; the Cancer Treatment Centers of America offer a forgiveness education program to help patients explore the healing power of forgiveness during cancer care.  Forgiveness can help bring healing and help us feel better physically, but it can also help us emotionally.  Bitterness and resentment often lead to depression, increased anxiety, anger and social disorders.  Our inability to forgive takes a huge toll on us emotional which not only causes us to suffer but it strains every relationship we have.  We may think that the only relationship that suffers is the one with the person who has offended us, but that is not true.  When we are unwilling to forgive, bitterness and anger spills over into every other relationship in our lives – including our relationship with God. 

On a spiritual level, not being willing to forgive others has a huge effect on us because it breaks down our ability to connect with God.  Earlier in Matthew, Jesus said that if we are not willing to forgive others than God is not willing to forgive us.  Matthew 6:15.  Without God’s forgiveness and grace flowing into our lives, our spiritual lives stop growing and begins to decline.  The longer we hold that grudge the farther away from God we move.   

Over time, an unforgiving spirit not only poisons every relationship but every part of our lives.  It destroys us.  This week Paul Neff shared with me a saying that maybe you have heard, he said, holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.  We think not forgiving someone will not have any negative effect on us but hurt the other person but the truth is that many times the other person doesn’t even know we are holding a grudge so they are fine, but we are the ones slowly dying because of the stress, depression and spiritual isolation that our un-forgiveness creates. 

So we need to stop thinking about how often we need to forgive others and remember why Jesus tells us to forgive.  We need to forgive because it is the only way we will be healthy in body, mind and spirit.  Last week we talked about the steps needed in asking others to forgive us and they were to acknowledge our sin, feel genuine remorse, confess to God and others what we have done and work to change.  This is a helpful process in asking for forgiveness but what helps us offer it. 

If you are struggling to forgive someone, think about sparing with them.  No, I don’t mean getting into a boxing ring and going a few rounds, although sometimes that might sound like a good idea.  What I mean is to S.P.A.R with them.  First Seek to understand.  What is it that shapes the other person’s heart and life.  Many people hurt or offend others because there is some unresolved hurt or pain in their lives.  Maybe their childhood was filled with abuse or loss.  Maybe they were bullied through school so have learned that the only way to treat others is to bully them.  Many times there are clear reasons why people have hurt us and when we seek to understand them it opens the door to forgiveness. 

The second thing we can do is Pray for the person.  We don’t pray for their destruction or downfall and we don’t pray that they come to their senses and apologize to us, we pray for their heart and soul.  We pray that God heals their spirits and blesses their lives in some way that restores relationships.  We also might need to pray to understand them better and pray that God opens our hearts to forgiveness regardless of what the other person does. 

When I was in Altoona there was a member of the congregation who hurt and offended many people in the church.  To put it simply, he was a bully and many of us struggled to forgive him.  One day as I was struggling to pray for this man, I decided to go and sit in his pew.  He always sat in the same spot so I went and spent some time sitting in his seat trying to understand him.  I actually opened the hymnal he would use and prayed that the words of the hymns would speak to his heart and life.  Physically sitting in his seat helped me pray for him.  I’m not sure it changed him at all, but it changed me.  If there is someone you are struggling to forgive, then when no is around find a way to sit in their seat and pray for them.  Maybe it means taking a walk by their house, sitting at their desk after work, or in their room or their chair at home.  If you have never done something like this, it can be powerful and help change our hearts and lives so we can begin to forgive others.

Something else we can do to help us learn how to forgive others is to Assume the best in them.  Most of the time when we feel hurt or offended our first reaction is to get defensive and assume the worst in them.  We assume they intended to hurt us and maybe even planned and plotted to harm us.  Those assumptions poison our heart and life and many times they may not even be true.  So instead of assuming the worst in others, assume the best.  Assume they were having a bad day when they were short.  Assume they were not feeling well or were stressed over some other issue when they lashed out.   When we assume the best in people it helps us see them in a different light.  It helps us see not only their value and worth but it helps us see them as children of God who also need support and love.  Assuming the best can defuse a difficult situation and open the door to forgiveness. 

Now if all of that doesn’t work, the last thing we can do is Remember our own sin.   When we stop and remember all the things we have done wrong and all the times we have offended others and all the ways God has forgiven us and others have forgiven us, it begins to change our perspective.  Jesus tells a story that illustrates this point in Matthew 18:23-33.  The problem with the servant who was unwilling to forgive was that he had forgotten all that he had been forgiven of.  When we remember our own sin and all the ways that other people forgive our offenses and failures it helps us offer forgiveness and grace to others. 

So if we are struggling to forgive someone, we need to SPAR with them.  We need to seek to understand them, pray for them, assume the best in them and remember our own sins and how often we have been forgiven.  Now sometime our struggle to forgive others comes from questions we have about forgiveness, so let’s address some of those questions.  The first one is:  When we forgive others are we condoning their sin?

Does forgiveness mean that we are saying their sin or offenses are not that bad – or not bad at all.  Clearly the answer to this is no.  Forgiveness is not approving of people’s words or actions it is letting go of our right to seek retribution and revenge.  God’s forgiveness of us doesn’t mean that God approves of what we have done, I think our sin causes God real hurt and pain, but God chooses to let go of his right to seek revenge.  It is important for us to make sure we say to ourselves that the offense we have experienced is real and that many times it causes genuine pain and hurt and that forgiveness doesn’t excuse their behavior, we are just making the choice to let it go and not seek retaliation. 

Another question people often ask is:  Does forgiveness mean that there will be no consequences or punishment for wrong doing? 

Let me answer that with a story I have shared before.  When I was in Junior High School I came home after school and realized that I had forgotten my house key.  My sister and I got the ladder out of the garage, climbed in an open window on the second floor, put the ladder away and chose not to say anything about it to our parents, not even when we were asked if we moved the ladder.  In time we did confess to our parents that we moved the ladder, but not until we had already lied about it.  Now my parents forgave me, but I was still grounded for a week.  Forgiveness didn’t mean that there were no consequences to my lying.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean that we excuse people’s actions and behaviors it just means that we let go of the anger and resentment toward others. 

For me this is helpful when I think about some of the situations we have seen in the news recently.  For example, in Oklahoma, we can talk about forgiveness for the teenagers who shot Christopher Lane, the Australian college student, but that doesn’t mean that there will be no trial and no punishment for their actions.  There needs to be.  Our world needs clear boundaries and clear consequences when those boundaries are crossed or broken, but we don’t have to hold on to our anger.  Seeking justice doesn’t mean seeking revenge. 

This week is the 12^th Anniversary of 9/11 and as a nation we have to deal with this same thing.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean that there are no consequences for those who planned this terrorist attack.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean we let them go free, but we can let go of our anger and any desire we have to see the complete destruction of those who have harmed us.  This doesn’t come easily or quickly – but as we seek to understand and pray – our hearts and minds can change. 

A third question many people ask is:  Are we supposed to forgive people even when they don’t ask for it? 

To answer this question, let’s look at Jesus.  When he was hanging on the cross he looked out and said, Father forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing.  Jesus forgave the Roman soldiers who nailed him to the cross.  Jesus forgave his disciples who had failed him; the religious leaders who had given him an unjust trial and the crowd that turned again him.  Jesus forgave all those gathered there that day before anyone asked.  So, yes, we need to learn to forgive people before they ask for it. 

The truth is that we need to learn to forgive people whether they ask for us to forgive them or not because if we don’t we continue to poison our hearts and lives.  But there is another reason we should forgive others before they ask, sometimes it is our forgiveness that can bring them to a place of repentance.  When Jesus offered forgiveness from the cross there was a Roman soldier who heard this and said, Surely this man was the son of God.  That soldier saw what Jesus did and it made a difference in his heart and life, it brought him to a place of faith and trust.  When we offer forgiveness before others ask or even know they need it, it can change their hearts and lives as well.  But just a thought here, don’t make a show of that forgiveness and offer it in an attitude of pride.  It is better to simply treat the person who has offended or hurt us with grace and love.  Jesus taught us this principle when he said in Matthew 5:44, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.  And the apostle Paul said, do not be overcome with evil but overcome evil with good. 

So this leads us to our last question: How can we forgive our enemies? 

The last couple of weeks as we have been talking about our sin and our offenses toward one another we have used the analogy of rocks and some of our sins are small and need to be let go of.  Other sins are medium sized and need to be worked through as we ask for and offer forgiveness and some sins large and even very large and need a lot of time, work love and grace for there to be any forgiveness and any hope or possibility of reconciliation.  But what happens when the rock is this sized?  

This rock is impossible to move and there are times when forgiving our enemies seem impossible. 

I mentioned Christopher Lane earlier; he was the Australian college student who was shot in cold blood for no apparent reason.  I can imagine that his parents are dealing with this kind of rock.  Those who lost loved ones in the Fort Hood shooting might be dealing with this kind of rock.  The women held captive for 10 years by a man in Ohio are dealing with this kind of rock and at times it must seem impossible to forgive such horrific sins. 

I’m not sure that SPARing with people will help in these situations because sometimes there is no way to understand why people do such evil things and at times there is no way to assume the best in people who commit such evil acts and remembering our sins in light of such horrific events really might not help – so what does help?  In this situation I think there is just one thing that can help us begin to remove the rock and that is the power of God.  When faced with seemingly impossible situations Jesus said, with mortals it is impossible, but with God all things are possible, and the apostle Paul said, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  

So forgiveness is possible but only through the power of God.  Forgiveness is possible but only because God gives us the ability and strength to slowly let go of our anger and resentment toward others and begin to feel free.  Now the reason God helps us forgive isn’t always because God wants the other person forgiven, it is because God wants us to be healthy and strong in both body, mind and spirit and that only comes when we are willing to forgive.  So if you are facing this kind of a rock in your life – ask God to slowly break it down and break it apart so you can let it go.  It takes time, but if we ask to God to help, I believe God slowly starts to break the rock apart.  

And these we can begin to let go of. 

If you want to see what this kind of impossible forgiveness looks like in real life, then I would encourage you to read stories of people who have offered this kind of impossible forgiveness.  One suggestion is the book Unbroken which is the story of Louie Zemporini who was held prisoner during WWII and worked through a long journey of forgiving his captors who tortured him.  The other book which is also in our church library is called Amish Grace and it is the story of the shooting in Nickel Mines, PA, where in 2006 a gunman killed 5 girls at an Amish school.  The community showed their forgiveness of the shooter by reaching out to care for his wife and family.  Those stories show us that this kind of forgiveness is possible but we cannot do it alone.  This kind of forgiveness calls for the power of God to step in and give us strength and power. 

Forgiving others is not easy and it does not always come quickly, but it is important if we not only want to be healthy in body, mind and spirit, but if we want healthy relationships with God and every other person in our lives.  So let us forgive others just as God in Christ Jesus, has forgiven us. 

Next Steps

Forgiving Others

1.  Name those people you are struggling to forgive. 

·         Acknowledge that what they have done has hurt you. 

·         Ask God to help you begin a process of forgiveness.

2.  As you seek to forgive these people, S.P.A.R. with them.

·         Seek to understand what has shaped their lives.

·         Pray for them.

·         Assume the best in them.

·         Remember your own sin.

3.  Forgiving our enemies seems like the impossible rock to let go of.  Memorize and repeat these 2 passages:

·         I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.  Philippians 4:13

·         With God, all things are possible.  Matthew 19:26

4.  To learn how to offer “impossible” forgiveness, read stories of those who have offered it:   

·         Unbroken , by Laura Hillenbrand

·         Amish Grace, by Donald Kraybil, et al.